A Mother's Love Story

I don't even know where to begin sometimes. I have so much to share, but have a hard time condensing it into something meaningful and helpful for those who share the same burden. Firstly, I want to say that over this past year it truly has been a year of ups and downs for me and my spouse and children. One of profound grief, Discovery, Joys, Sorrows, loss, and learning. Lots and lots of learning! The biggest thing that I have learned is that as any grieving person, not just a parent, you never get over your grief. You find ways to maneuver through it. You move forward, sometimes trudge, go through the motions, but you move forward. We are forced to continue on in life's journey without our child. I have found ways to cope or find peace on my good days and try very hard to incorporate that into my bad days. I have realized and come to terms with, that I am going to have bad days and I allow myself those moments. I try very hard not to live there. After over a year I took on

I've been slacking on my blog, I've been really busy and also because I don't quite know what to say without breaking down and crying and I don't want to do that. I took on a couple jobs because it was time... And I needed to get out of myself. Of course taking  jobs after not working for a year the house gets a wreck the kids are a wreck the husband a wreck... And I'm walking around in a fog. I feel drugged, I feel tired, and no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm okay I still feel so very sad. The tree is up lights are on the angels on top of the tree because it's the memory angel that was passed down to my sister when Carolyn died and then pass to me last year when Collin died. So that's the only decoration on the tree. I just don't have it in me to work two jobs and decorate the tree oh and there's a wreath on the door because my husband and the kids bought me a really pretty wreath and it smells of Pine and Christmas. Now I put mys

I woke up today after not sleeping as well as I had hoped, thoughts swirling around in my head of last year's events kept my mind occupied more than I had hoped. It is not that I didn't want to think or dream of my son. That's not the case at all, I want to think of Collin, remember him in all the ways that matter. Honor him, bring joy to our lives with his memory. That however is not what happened last night. Jumbled thoughts of the events leading up to the phone call that just about broke me is what happened. Thoughts of the call and the events afterwards those are the things that went through my mind last night. I have determined that I spent the next seven to eight days last year, in a fog. I simply want about the Motions of doing what I had to do to survive it. I practically held my breath until I could just hold him once again. Completely shattered once I saw him! All I wanted at that point was to hold on and to never let go. I was completely prepared to sleep at t

Some days there are just no words available to express my love or the pain... Some days there are no words to write, no poems to share or light to give to make the pain go away...some days there is just nothing. So for now I will just write: I love you more than words can say I miss you more than any poem can express And I will always love you into my eternity!

Brayden Ya know, every day that passes, my mind goes to places unseen by anyone but my kids or I and those who knew us best... sometimes they are beautiful places, other times places of regret. Mostly, I just get to remember the love shared between all of us. I am trying to find peace and comfort in the madness of our lives. Anyone who knew all of us, Collin and his 4 beautiful siblings, and I mean truly knew what was written on our hearts! Well, we have a love that even death cannot steal from us. This is where I will find my peace, the legacy in which we all can share with Brayden and Dylan's soon to be new addition and any others that come to Bless our lives. Our hearts may always have a place not filled, a void left behind, but we will always have room for more love to grow and to share 💙 More lessons for me to learn and more Joy in life to live 🌞 Love you still and always will

As the days draw near to the year mark of the day that dreaded call came, so many thoughts, memories, feelings, and emotions just keep rolling in. I can't seem to keep my mind on anything else. I keep thinking about our last conversation and playing it over in my head. I knew that I should have called you after I didn't hear back from you. I have so much guilt, yet I know that it wasn't my fault or anyone else's. I'm angry yet sad. I feel alone yet surrounded by my kids, your siblings, and I feel so selfish for feeling so horrible all the time. Yet I can't shake it! I'm drowning in it! When will the nightmare be over? I ask myself that question all the time! I also answer it... NEVER. You are never coming back! I hate waking up to the same reality. The fact that you are never going to be with us again!  NEVER in our lives here on Earth! I love you as much as your brothers and sister! I love them as much as I love you! Living without one of you has been lik

So you wake up and it is just like every other day for about 3 seconds! Then it hits you... he's been gone exactly 11 months TODAY! That phone call came 334 days ago, it forever changes our lives. Leaving a crack in my soul! Caused damage to my family that cannot be undone. Put images in my mind that I can't shake. I do the very best that I can to move forward, to bring more love to our world than hate or ugliness. As of late I've felt overwhelmed by all of the ugly. It's as if my heart and soul are crying out that they have had enough. I look at all of my kids and wonder what they are thinking, I mean REALLY thinking! I know that they don't tell me their all...they protect me as much as I protect them. I see pain in their eyes alot when they look at me. That's not what I have ever wanted for them. That one event, that one moment in time, has changed us all. Some good changes. There's a new baby. Yes, my son died not knowing that he was going to be a daddy

I don't think I can ever say goodbye to you Collin Gregory! Certainly I have good days, ones where I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Then there are days where I wake up in a sweat. Thinking of things I shouldn't. Angry at total strangers. Wanting to help in a time of crisis and not knowing where to begin. I watch as your best friends your brothers and sister and Brit, they struggle to have lives! I can't fix it for any of them! I see your son and I see you in him! I want to see him every day but I can't...distance in miles just doesn't allow it! I get angry about that! Why did you have to move so far away! Then I answer my own question and I'm not angry anymore....it comes and goes in waves. Your brother is having a baby of his own... He Misses you! Our family is growing and I can't tell you but in my dreams! I talk to you every day....do you hear me I wonder? I only blinked Collin, that's all I did! That's all it took and you went from my

I wake up every morning... that statement in and of itself sometimes just isn't fair! I would have and still would trade places with my son on a dime! He deserved a life. One full of promise and love! Joy and happiness! Goodness his son is so beautiful and sweet! Just perfectly made in every way and my son doesn't get to experience one single solitary moment of Brayden's life or his light! Now, I've been doing so well! Trying hard to find the blessings in each day! Not to wallow in my grief, but instead help those around me. Get involved in things, be less selfish! Generally, it works! I feel better. I'm not so depressed or sad. I don't have that overwhelming desire to be with my son but to stay with my other children who need me just as much if not more now. Then, for no reason at all I woke up today just filled with sadness. I have love and words for a child that I have no place to put them but here. I mean really! I just felt overwhelmed by the need to t

Never in a million years did I think 10 months after my son died would I experience Joy. Somewhere in the beginning I had read that I would find it. Somedays I prayed for it, and I have searched for it because I did not want to spend the rest of my life feeling the utter desperation and destruction that I felt at that moment when he died. The journey that I have been on has been eye-opening, at times an utter struggle, a learning experience, painful, and there have been a million moments that I have had no words to explain exactly what it is I feel. I did however, realize that this journey has not been one that I've been on alone. Not only are there thousands of parents and loved ones on this journey but also my own family on it with me. My own children especially. Looking in their eyes has been the hardest thing to do. Wanting to protect your children is number one on your list of things the moment they're born that you want to do, and I'm unable to do that. Unable to pr

A very informative piece written by my niece. A must read! https://www.facebook.com/alishaevofit/posts/1837490366268854 The entire detoxification process for opiate addiction is about 12-18 months and it happens in three separate stages.  The bloodstream, which takes 3-7 days, the physical,  which lasts from 60-90 days, then there's the emotional and psychological detoxification, that starts about 4-6 months,  That's when the brain usually gets to some kind of chemical base line or relative thought process.  The key is to get them to this point.  Before this point, the brain is at a constant state of chemical incompetence.  If anyone isn't sure of the difference between a constant and a relative here is an analogy..... the sky is blue everyday,  no matter what its blue,  that is the constant,  what is relative is the particular shade of blue in the sky at any given time in the day.  After about two months of the brain maintaining this base line,  the final detox happens

I thought I was prepared for your first birthday in heaven...he'd be 23 today! Nothing could have ever prepared me for this day! The bittersweet of knowing you have a son gives me joy Beyond any measure, the pain of not being able to hold you and tell you how much I love you is also beyond anything I've ever known, anything I can possibly measure and anything I can possibly Express in this blog. To all the parents, friends, siblings, relatives and loved ones who have lost anyone to addiction or anything else that feel this pain, my heart goes out to you. The only thing I have to say today is that if you feel anything close to what I feel do not keep it to yourself please share it with someone whether it be via a Blog, Facebook, a loved one, a stranger... Please do not hold this inside because it will kill you emotionally mentally physically it will take you down and break you into so many pieces that you will not recover. I know that my son Collin would want me to carry on

As Collin's Birthday quickly approaches, I am painfully aware of his absence. It can fill a room with it's immense void! Yet I am also so attuned to my other children and their loss and promise of their futures I feel guilty for feeling the torture of the pain left by the emptiness I feel from his nihility. Love does not die when your child dies. Birthdays don't just disappear when they do. What I'm left with is memories of many happy years with a son who I cherished and more to come with children I adore. No more tomorrow's with my Collin and nothing can change that. It hurts like I've been hit by a train and yet I still want to celebrate his life! He was here! He lived! He loved! He was more than a damn statistic! He was , is and always will be my son! My other children are, and always will be my children! I will always celebrate their lives too! Why should I NOT celebrate Collin's life because it was cut short? Right now I just want to scream! Instead I w

This has been one heck of a roller coaster ride! Over the last 8 months since my son died I have seen more, heard more, felt more, cried more, and done more involving overdose than I ever thought about in my entire 48 years of life. That to me is sad. I should have been more involved from the beginning! Not just for my son's sake but for the masses of others out there suffering. My heart is not just breaking because my son is erased needlessly from this world but also because there are more dying every single day! Collin would have hated all of this. He was kind and loving. His heart would also be broken for people he's never met. Broken for the thousands of people without faces to so many but for us they more than just matter, they are connected by a common thread that can't be cut. Like a part of us, family of sorts. So this fight doesn't end just because my son is no longer here. It will go on! So on this day of overdose awareness, I beseech of you to search deep i

Today marks the day that we haven't had your smile for nine months now. It also comes with the Bittersweet passing of your Pap Don. So I know that he is with you now. You have an entire family up there with you. For me left down here, it's a bitter with the sweet kind of moment. Bitter because of the bite! The sting of death no matter how my heart and mind know about the afterlife, I still have immense pain. The sweet because I believe that you are all together having nothing but sheer love, joy, and walking with our Lord. In the days and weeks and months to come I will experience Joy, laughter, pain, sorrow, and my expectations of my self are always higher than anyone Else's. Above and beyond the noise and confusion of my own mind and of this world is something so much more important...My love for my children! My love for my family! My love for my friends! Most importantly my love for my Heavenly Father! I miss you my son more than my lungs can handle air Sometimes! I

There are just days when I wake up and they are beautiful, and I can go out into the world and do and be and function like I did before everything went so horribly wrong. I still think of you often on those days. I still weep in silence and speak your name, but it doesn't make my heart ache to where I am paralyzed from it. Then there are still those days where I get so overwhelmed by the pain of knowing that I will never, in my lifetime, see, touch, hug, laugh with you, or share another Moment with you that it shakes me to the core of my being! I want any other Mother or Father out there to hear me on this. It is ok to be a total mess sometimes. To wake up and feel like you've made no progress and that you just want to hide from the world. Do not feel like you are alone in this! The sad fact of all of this is that even if your family and closest friends do not understand why you are the way you are, there are millions of people out there who do! The number is growing daily. I

As I sit here caught between joy and brokenness my thoughts Always go-to my son. He is always with me. Ever present even in his absence. Even with the birth of the baby, and no matter what anyone says, I look in that sweet baby boys face and I know deep in my Mom heart who he is, can tell me Differently! Even though this is a bittersweet Moment in time. Even though I cannot meet him yet. Not hold him or sing our songs as I did with his Daddy and his siblings. My heart is already there. Here in this beautiful place with my own babies, with one of my forever friends, trying so hard to celebrate life, I feel torn. I want to run, go to my baby's boy and just hold him and whisper in his ear how much his Daddy loves him. How much we love him. How beautiful and smart and important he is already at only 10 days old. His Momma did a wonderful job and his is perfect in every way possible. I am humbled by God's blessings, grace, and mercy. I want to shout from every roof top how good He

These past few months during the summer days hasn't been as easy for me as I would have liked them to be. Usually summer flies by so quickly, with things to do and kids running in and out. This summer was quite the opposite. I found it to be a lonely and quiet one. My youngest not so young and my oldest out on their own. With Collin permanently gone from our physical lives, the obvious empty space unable to be filled made it almost unbearable. All of my children made their best attempts to Always be there and make me laugh and share their lives with me. Letting me know what family is for. Allowing me to grieve yet not letting me forget that I have a responsibility to them to be present for them. Not just present but alive in spirit, body, and mind. This isn't an easy task. My mind is cluttered with memories and shattered by grief. My spirit crushed by the loss of one of my children, a hole that can't ever be filled. My mind playing tricks on me and constantly forgetting t

As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I sit here at 8 months reminded every day of an internal countdown.  You and I used to countdown to Beautiful Moments like vacations, Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, ball games, and anything else you could think of. Now my mind does a countdown to the day you left us. Its 8 months today that you left us. I remember when you were 8 months old to the day! It's very easy because Cody turned 2 that day. Your birthday's being on the 15th day of separate months mad milestones between the two of you easy to remember. Each milestone you achieved he was there  beside you. Prodding or smiling. You two were inseparable for many years growing up and I have so many wonderful memories of these years. You were so happy as a child! Always smiling and laughing. Climbing on everything and exploring! I can't tell you the time or day that your smile began to fade and your spirit with it, but I noticed the Change in you. I drove you crazy w

Just sharing some some education from the other side of the road... Yes, NARCAN is the subject and YES I'm pro NARCAN! I'M also pro saving lives no matter who or what the circumstances...love to all. https://addictionunscripted.com/a-letter-to-those-who-continue-to-perpetuate-the-stigma-of-addiction/

This poem was written by Aline Lomastro Losing a child Do you want to know what it is like to lose a child? Sit down, let's talk, this could take quite a while. At first you are in shock, and then you are in denial. And pretty soon reality puts your emotions on trial. You lose so much, but the first you lose is your smile. To others you seem okay, but you really are not. The grief that you feel is only the start Because your child now lives only in your heart You treasure each picture that is all you have got You cling to memories that you thought you forgot You know your life will never again be the same. You pretend things are okay, and you hide your pain. You just want someone to mention his name. So you can imagine that he is beside you again. Sometimes you feel like you are going insane You still feel all alone, even when in a crowd. Others can speak of their children of whom they are proud, But to talk about your child, somehow isn't allowed So your

Hey...I found this today and thought of us. I miss you More every day. Here's to our new normal.... What is Normal after your son dies? We were all so close...this just can't be right! My new Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize your son  is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal is trying to decide how to include plus honor your child for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th..Monday's, Tuesday's...... Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs & why didn't I's go through your head constantly. Normal is reliving the same day continuously through your heart, eyes and mind- holding your head to make it go away. Normal is having your phone constantly in your hand. Playing games, scanning Facebook, reading articles about nonsensical things, looking up education on addiction, trying to find a solution... just so you aren't alone

This day doesn't mark any special occasion or anniversary...just another day without you. Another memory comes up....Then another and another and on and on it goes! I'll have a lifetime of remembering and a lifetime of not one more new Moments with you! I have boxes of pictures I cannot find the courage to put together. A shrine to your memory that's unhealthy and not helping anyone. I can't let go because your my child, that doesn't die when you did! So I'm stuck here, miserable on the inside. Angry because I don't get to be with all of my children anymore! What a crew we all were! I love you and it's Killing me slowly. I love your brother's and your sister more than life. If I lost one of them it would be no different. I'm petrified about that too. However my boy what plagues me now is the utter loneliness I feel, the hole that you left. I can't fill it, fix it, pretend, or smile it away! I used to say no one could break me...that I was onl

So, as I waited for the 7 month mark to pass, I tried to block it out of my mind. It was strange because we had seen a cardinal this past week and I never see them. I'm not usually one for "signs" but somehow I knew that God was letting me know we were all going to be ok.  I thought it had worked. I had gotten past Friday flawlessly or so I had thought and Saturday staying busy with my daughter at her cousins swim party. It wasn't until later that evening that I felt very depressed and withdrawn. Alone. Sunday was not any better. Alone most of the day and feeling the pain of Collin not being was getting to me. The guilt can be excruciating at times for me  Yes, my head tells me that it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. However, as a Mother my heart breaks every moment of every day knowing that I couldn't do anything. That every conversation I play over and over in my head goes back to "why didn't I ask him to pray with me?"

As I was going about my morning and took a moment to reflect, my mind Always turns to a multitude of things. The first thing is my God. He is my constant, my Friend, my comfort, my Everything. Without Him I would be a puddle in a corner somewhere or worse, dead. The second immediate thing I realize is that my son is not here. I don't mean here at my house, or in the state. I mean that he is permanently wiped off this planet. Forever stolen from me. The third thought that comes to play is was he at peace with his God? As a child my beautiful and loving boy asked and spoke of his God as if he knew him personally. Which, by the way, is how it should be. So, as a mom I have to believe that his relationship, although in some turmoil, remained. I struggle with this sometimes. It's a huge deal for me. Anyone who knows me must know by now that my personal experience and journey in life has led me straight to my Heavenly Father. The one thing, the one Father who has loved me without str

I have lived beyond fear. Lived beyond giving a shit. There's nothing more dangerous than someone Living in fear. Fear can make you do unthinkable and unreasonable things. I watched first hand what fear can do to a person and I've also lived it. I believe that fear played a huge role in my son's ultimate death. He didn't get to live long enough to live past the fear into his true strength. To feel the true power of God working in him. He was still so young and so vulnerable to the outside world and all of it's influences. Yes, I know all the stories of how he was so tough and such a scraper. How he wasn't scared of anything! That was just a facade he wore. I was his Momma first and foremost. I saw the pain and heard the fear in his voice. I saw the tears. I got the late night phone calls. Now, only God truly knows what was on Collins heart. As his Momma, I had a good idea, but I couldn't Always see the truth. Being blinded by the love for your child can b

My love for my children has never had any boundaries or limits. Nor has it known strings or conditions. My love for them has smashed down all pity, hate, fear, regrets, lies, dysfunction, and without apology most anything. The one thing my love could not conquer. Could not beat, overcome, or vanquish was my son's addiction and ultimately his death. The Love still remains. My love for Collin will be with me until my last breath and into eternity. He took my love with him wherever he went! Including into his next life, with everlasting Peace and Love. I know that my son would want me to carry on. Some days that seems like a very cruel task. Today was one of those moments, for I have put off procuring all of Collin's remains. See, Collin was cremated. I have been weak and did not have the inner strength to go back to that place again. The place where I saw my baby, my son, lying in a place he should never have been at 22. Some of him I took back to Florida to be scattered at

https://youtu.be/vKH2lMtT36A Sometime in the middle of the night around 2am I get a text from my oldest son saying he can't stop watching this video. He can't stop crying. I don't receive this text until 9 upon Awakening. I ask him what video? What are talking about? Then it hits me that the boys from our local High School must have finished and released the finished product and I just hadn't heard anything from them. My eldest son Cody had been tagged in it on Facebook and seen it before even knowing what it was. Collins fiance also was tagged. I watched it for the first time this morning. Tears streaming down my face with my baby Caroline by my side. It kind of was like reliving that moment all over again. Only this time, I knew I was doing it for a greater purpose. To hopefully save a life and honor my son's life. My poor kids. They are all so devastated still. Just yesterday my two older boys both called and texted me one crying one just telling me how wreck

How do you put down in just a few sentences memorializing a life cut short by heroin and addiction? Collin was larger than life. Loved by all who knew him. He stood up for the little guy. Believed in justice for all. Gave all when he had nothing. Loved deeply. Lived like there was no tomorrow. More than anything he was loved beyond measure, beyond this life, into eternity. Heroin and addiction stole everything but the love. There is hope. He would want us all to spread the hope and the love. Collin we will love you for always. This was for Shatterproofs 5k in Kansas City... It's Me © Jacqueline Grieve Published on March 2011 Hey, you guys, don't feel guilty, It was just my time to go. I can see you're all feeling sad, I can see the tears still flow. My life's journey ended early, The path I chose was short. You all tried your best to change it, But in the end it was for me to sort. I know I caused you sadness, I know caused you pain, But I was cap

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10154643696117849&id=561582848

It's been tough lately. I'm angry, sad, bitter, tough yet weak, just a plethora of things all at the same time. You've been gone 6 months. It is hard not to count the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and even the seconds. Every moment somehow gets consumed with missing you. I look into the eyes of your siblings and see their sorrow. I think of you. I feel the tightening in my chest. I think of you. I feel the anger swelling up inside of me towards so many for all sorts of reasons and I think of you. I get angry with myself and I think of you. I think of her and I think of you. I think of the baby she carries that she won't find out if it's yours or not just to spite me and I know that you would hate it! I get angry and I know what you would do and I can't in your place. It's slowly Killing me. She doesn't care and I think of you. She is going to keep us from him. I think of you and how much Family meant to you. My  mind  goes directly back to you. Wh

Every day that I wake up it's different. I never knew waking up could be such a task. The sunny days seem to be a little easier but then memories will flood in like a tidal wave and flood my mind with days long past, moments not so long ago, and moments that I had dreamt of. Sometimes a smile will sneak upon my lips as if Collin were actually in the room. Those are great moments. Then suddenly a tear will follow, silently falling down my cheek like a little whisper. A fragment of him slipping from me. I hurry to catch it before it falls to the ground. I can't nor do I want to lose not one piece of him. I fight every day to save him, his memory. To honor the good in him. Oh, and there was so much good in him. Before all the addiction and hurt and demons. There was a bright shiny larger than life child who loved! He loved so much and for all the right reasons! I think I miss that the most. The love, the laughter, the excitements in his eyes when he had something new to show or t

Out of the darkness and into the light That is where my soul desires to take flight My heart and my  head not completely in sync Yet my wants and my needs seem to be the same thing I hold on to moments of days gone past Hoping beyond hope my memories will last I want to give promise to those in despair But my own sadness confounds me and words seem so bare. Yet out of my Darkness My deepest despair Despite all the sadness The sorrow and trials Those I seek to help Aide in casting the light. So when my world seems bleak Disparaging infinite and heaped I look for the light from the others in front of me And the my darkest hour doesn't look so deep. So look for the light at the end of the tunnel Even if it seems as if it's just a flash or a glimmer Sometimes that little spark is all it will take to push you ahead A path laid before you by someone with foresight And Blazed a small path so you wouldn't get lost.

To put into words how and when our story BEGAN is a joy for me. I am a Momma to 5 beautiful children. Four boys and one girl. All who had my heart before I ever laid my eyes upon them. Each unique and beautiful in their own way. Each possessing a separate challenge to me as a parent on how to raise them properly so that they would have the best life possible. My second child, my son Collin, was born September 15, 1994 just a little after midnight. He was bright and beautiful and special even in his first moments in this world. He was a sweet boy and played just like all little boys did. He loved baseball, football, skateboarding, fishing, biking​, swimming, track,boxing, hunting, finding snakes, and turtles. He was so wonderful and larger than life. He asked me all the what's and whys. The who's and whens. About Good and evil. God and Jesus.... where everything went wrong , well I have many ideas and theories. My Marital problems, an addict for a biological father, an adopti

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9839262?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003

Every year Mother's Day comes and Mother's Day goes. I enjoy my own children as they have, over the years  made me cards, letters, poems, hand prints, and miscellaneous trinkets. All are so precious and priceless to me. They cannot be duplicated or replaced. Even better, these moments are etched in my memory forever. They cannot be stolen, removed, or broken in any way. Even in the tragic loss of my son I am still his Momma and our memories cannot be taken away. I will have them forever. They our mine and immoveable from my life. Now maybe I am so taken by these moments because I don't have my own Mom with me. She was taken from me so young. She was taken before she got to see all the cards, handprints, trinkets, flowers in paper cups, and I Love My Mommy poems. Before milestones like school plays,choir show cases, ball games, proms, graduations, weddings, babies, and so much more. I muddled along, filling the void in my heart left by the absence of my Mother. Recent even