Memories are what we have left...

This day doesn't mark any special occasion or anniversary...just another day without you. Another memory comes up....Then another and another and on and on it goes! I'll have a lifetime of remembering and a lifetime of not one more new Moments with you! I have boxes of pictures I cannot find the courage to put together. A shrine to your memory that's unhealthy and not helping anyone. I can't let go because your my child, that doesn't die when you did! So I'm stuck here, miserable on the inside. Angry because I don't get to be with all of my children anymore! What a crew we all were! I love you and it's Killing me slowly. I love your brother's and your sister more than life. If I lost one of them it would be no different. I'm petrified about that too. However my boy what plagues me now is the utter loneliness I feel, the hole that you left. I can't fill it, fix it, pretend, or smile it away! I used to say no one could break me...that I was only ever slightly cracked. I may just hit that broken point. I won't know until who knows when. People tell me time takes time. Oh and here's a great one, "it will get easier". Great, easier. UGH! I didn't get to choose this. I don't want easier! I want you. I want my family whole and no memories but new futures. Funny thing about the I WANT thing... It won't ever happen and I know it. I just have to go forward every day knowing it will never be the way I wanted it to be. I will never let anyone forget you COLLIN... I will speak of you daily. I won't care who it makes uncomfortable or if it makes anyone think I'm a nut, or drama queen! I will just always speak your name and love you until the end of time! My boy. My Collin Gregoryđź’™

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