I'd trade places

I wake up every morning... that statement in and of itself sometimes just isn't fair! I would have and still would trade places with my son on a dime! He deserved a life. One full of promise and love! Joy and happiness!
Goodness his son is so beautiful and sweet! Just perfectly made in every way and my son doesn't get to experience one single solitary moment of Brayden's life or his light!
Now, I've been doing so well! Trying hard to find the blessings in each day! Not to wallow in my grief, but instead help those around me. Get involved in things, be less selfish! Generally, it works! I feel better. I'm not so depressed or sad.
I don't have that overwhelming desire to be with my son but to stay with my other children who need me just as much if not more now.
Then, for no reason at all I woke up today just filled with sadness. I have love and words for a child that I have no place to put them but here.
I mean really! I just felt overwhelmed by the need to tell him how much I love him and it struck me that I can't call him or write him. Text or Skype! Nothing! Just talking to the wind...then that damned sadness and overwhelming, breathtaking, soul sucking, never ending cry fest just sets in for the day! Everything just reminding you of what he did. Good and bad, it doesn't matter!
I loved every part of him! He was my son! These days are the days that I abhor!
These are the days I work hard not to be in...the pain is excruciating for even those who have been through the fire and came out the other side a new person! I have God who strengthens me! I rely on Him DAILY! He alone gets me through these days. However, I FEEL these days.
It's like the storm rolled in over night and it's here for the day! Dark clouds and thunder. Bright lightening and rain so hard you can't see at times. You know that there's an end to it. You just have to ride it out.
So I just go with the pain! I ride it out. I pray. I miss my son! I endure the unimaginable pain! I cry! Sometimes I just sit in the Darkness!
Today I woke up without my son, AGAIN! I'd still trade places!
I miss you Collin... nothing will ever change that.

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