Getting Through

I don't even know where to begin sometimes. I have so much to share, but have a hard time condensing it into something meaningful and helpful for those who share the same burden.
Firstly, I want to say that over this past year it truly has been a year of ups and downs for me and my spouse and children. One of profound grief, Discovery, Joys, Sorrows, loss, and learning. Lots and lots of learning!
The biggest thing that I have learned is that as any grieving person, not just a parent, you never get over your grief. You find ways to maneuver through it. You move forward, sometimes trudge, go through the motions, but you move forward. We are forced to continue on in life's journey without our child.
I have found ways to cope or find peace on my good days and try very hard to incorporate that into my bad days. I have realized and come to terms with, that I am going to have bad days and I allow myself those moments. I try very hard not to live there.
After over a year I took on not one job, but two. Caregiving. It's what I do. I may not be the best at it but it's rewarding any gets me out of myself and I'm helping someone else. That is a key point for me and I believe for anyone who is suffering a loss and is living in it daily. I also do networking sales...
Finding support, and I am not talking about just friends or family. Though that is important too. I'm talking about taking steps and being around people who understand our kind of loss! Healthy relationships with people who have traveled these Waters and learned to make a map of living productive lives. Seek them out and let them help. Families and friends can be great but they can also be toxic.
Finally, I want to say my son Collin was a bright spot in my life. Even during his active addiction that boy could make me smile and still does on any given day. There will always be in empty space where he should be! Forever a void. He left me a beautiful gift however, and was unaware of it. My grandson Brayden. I am blessed because of that. Yes I cry that my son will never see his son grow and flourish. I am trying daily to cope with that. My joy in all of this, is that I have a gift of love forever to cherish. No matter how difficult this year was. Multiple tragedies and losses of All Sorts. Losing Collin last November just about broke me. God didn't let it, that's where I find my strength! He gives me joy where I thought I'd never have any ever again.
So my Christmas wish for all of you is that somehow you can find your way through it. It's not easy. It's a lifetime process I do believe. Just don't give up! Our babies wouldn't want
that for us. They'd want us to live on and help just one!

All My Big Love
             &
Merry Christmas

Collin's Momma

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