It's Never Just Another Day
As I was going about my morning and took a moment to reflect, my mind Always turns to a multitude of things. The first thing is my God. He is my constant, my Friend, my comfort, my Everything. Without Him I would be a puddle in a corner somewhere or worse, dead. The second immediate thing I realize is that my son is not here. I don't mean here at my house, or in the state. I mean that he is permanently wiped off this planet. Forever stolen from me. The third thought that comes to play is was he at peace with his God? As a child my beautiful and loving boy asked and spoke of his God as if he knew him personally. Which, by the way, is how it should be. So, as a mom I have to believe that his relationship, although in some turmoil, remained. I struggle with this sometimes. It's a huge deal for me. Anyone who knows me must know by now that my personal experience and journey in life has led me straight to my Heavenly Father. The one thing, the one Father who has loved me without strings, conditions, never wavering, Always has had my back!
Last night before going to bed I was dozing a little on the sofa and I could smell the faintest smell of cigarettes outside. In my mind's eye I could have sworn it was Collin. I was ready to get up though and look outside and yell at whomever was smoking outside of my window but I knew I wouldn't see a soul out there. I still don't know what make of it and it's not the first time it's happened. I've felt things and and caught gentle breezes switch direction and felt that whisper of calm upon my mind.
Over the last week or so, I have felt calmer more centered than I have in the 6.5 months since Collin passed away. It started when I went to get his remaining ashes. That day I was guilt ridden and ashamed for leaving him there so long. The pain of that day was like reliving his death all over. I don't know why and I won't go too far into detail but it wasn't pretty. For about three days I was inconsolable. Then for no reason at all my son Dylan had called me after church and asked if he could take his siblings to Kennywood. One didn't want to go and one did so I went in place of.
We had the best day. I felt like I was living for the first time in months. Nothing mattered that day but my kids and just enjoying each other's company. We rode almost every single ride, laughing all day. I felt like I was seeing my two kids starting to heal. It felt good.
Each day since has been a miracle. I have moments now and again but not like prior to that day. It was as if the hand of God Himself came down and grabbed us up and placed us in a safe place. He touched me in a way I cannot explain. The aching in my soul is not so bad that I cannot bare it and my heart is still broken but it still beats. Before it felt like I was dying a little every day. My heart slowly getting weaker where I thought one day it just wouldn't beat anymore.
Now, it wasn't from a lack of faith. My faith didn't waiver. I never blamed my God for any of what happened and is still happening. Collin made choices. God gives us free will. I do often get sad because I wish that God would have superseded that for Collin. However, I know that was not going to happen. I gladly would have traded places with Collin if for no other reason than for Collin to have a fuller life. To see his son be born. To feel Joy, peace, true love, happiness, and oh so very much more. Unfortunately, I do know that it doesn't work like that.
I'm still not where I want to be. I know I'm better than I was not so long ago. I pray every day for a chance to be a part of Collin's son's life. I struggle daily with decisions that are out of my control. Oh, and if you're wondering if I still mourn for my son? Yes... daily but not like someone stuck a knife in my stomach. I mourn for what he lost more than I mourn for what I lost. I mourn more for my other children and their relationship lost.
My first job is a mother. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I Excel and other times I'm mediocre at best. I will always be a mother. God gave me that. His gift to me that I will forever be grateful for.
So no day for me is ever just another day. Every day is extraordinary! It's that way because He made it so. I miss my son like nothing I could explain but my faith says he is somewhere Wonderful. I'm holding onto that with both hands, heart, and soul.
All My Big Love,
Collin's Momma
Last night before going to bed I was dozing a little on the sofa and I could smell the faintest smell of cigarettes outside. In my mind's eye I could have sworn it was Collin. I was ready to get up though and look outside and yell at whomever was smoking outside of my window but I knew I wouldn't see a soul out there. I still don't know what make of it and it's not the first time it's happened. I've felt things and and caught gentle breezes switch direction and felt that whisper of calm upon my mind.
Over the last week or so, I have felt calmer more centered than I have in the 6.5 months since Collin passed away. It started when I went to get his remaining ashes. That day I was guilt ridden and ashamed for leaving him there so long. The pain of that day was like reliving his death all over. I don't know why and I won't go too far into detail but it wasn't pretty. For about three days I was inconsolable. Then for no reason at all my son Dylan had called me after church and asked if he could take his siblings to Kennywood. One didn't want to go and one did so I went in place of.
We had the best day. I felt like I was living for the first time in months. Nothing mattered that day but my kids and just enjoying each other's company. We rode almost every single ride, laughing all day. I felt like I was seeing my two kids starting to heal. It felt good.
Each day since has been a miracle. I have moments now and again but not like prior to that day. It was as if the hand of God Himself came down and grabbed us up and placed us in a safe place. He touched me in a way I cannot explain. The aching in my soul is not so bad that I cannot bare it and my heart is still broken but it still beats. Before it felt like I was dying a little every day. My heart slowly getting weaker where I thought one day it just wouldn't beat anymore.
Now, it wasn't from a lack of faith. My faith didn't waiver. I never blamed my God for any of what happened and is still happening. Collin made choices. God gives us free will. I do often get sad because I wish that God would have superseded that for Collin. However, I know that was not going to happen. I gladly would have traded places with Collin if for no other reason than for Collin to have a fuller life. To see his son be born. To feel Joy, peace, true love, happiness, and oh so very much more. Unfortunately, I do know that it doesn't work like that.
I'm still not where I want to be. I know I'm better than I was not so long ago. I pray every day for a chance to be a part of Collin's son's life. I struggle daily with decisions that are out of my control. Oh, and if you're wondering if I still mourn for my son? Yes... daily but not like someone stuck a knife in my stomach. I mourn for what he lost more than I mourn for what I lost. I mourn more for my other children and their relationship lost.
My first job is a mother. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I Excel and other times I'm mediocre at best. I will always be a mother. God gave me that. His gift to me that I will forever be grateful for.
So no day for me is ever just another day. Every day is extraordinary! It's that way because He made it so. I miss my son like nothing I could explain but my faith says he is somewhere Wonderful. I'm holding onto that with both hands, heart, and soul.
All My Big Love,
Collin's Momma
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