Forging Ahead... UGH
I've been slacking on my blog, I've been really busy and also because I don't quite know what to say without breaking down and crying and I don't want to do that. I took on a couple jobs because it was time... And I needed to get out of myself. Of course taking jobs after not working for a year the house gets a wreck the kids are a wreck the husband a wreck... And I'm walking around in a fog. I feel drugged, I feel tired, and no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm okay I still feel so very sad. The tree is up lights are on the angels on top of the tree because it's the memory angel that was passed down to my sister when Carolyn died and then pass to me last year when Collin died. So that's the only decoration on the tree. I just don't have it in me to work two jobs and decorate the tree oh and there's a wreath on the door because my husband and the kids bought me a really pretty wreath and it smells of Pine and Christmas.
Now I put myself into all kinds of fundraisers and helping others since I don't have to think about the fact that I'm devastated that my son is not here yet another year. But he's never coming back for another Christmas. That I have to go on and honor his life and his son Brayden without him.
I miss my son as much as I miss breathing and yet breathing is painful on a good day. I don't know how to explain it to people that have never been through it and there are some who have been through it that think that their pain is greater than mine. And who knows it maybe It is I don't know we each go through something different. Our pain is unique to ourselves and yet there is a bond between parents who have lost children like none other.
My goal with this blog was to reach out and help just one. Whether it has done that yet or not I do not know. But it has been helpful to me because I could get my feelings out My emotions that raw stuff that you can't just share with anybody face to face. That I cannot share with my family, my kids, my husband, Lord knows my sisters... But I can put it out here into this virtual place that goes to wherever I put it and strangers read it and accept me. There's no feedback no blowback. Just me putting my emotions out there for another mom or dad to read and they can say "Oh, I've been there, I'm not crazy". So if you're reading this and you feel alone you're not.
Funny thing is there's so many of us out there there's not a hall big enough to hold all of us. There's not a stadium big enough to hold all of us. We now occupy a larger group than any other. It's an epidemic, it's sad, it's angering, most importantly it's becoming part of our daily lives.
I thought I could make a difference so I went out there and I did the best I could to do so! I'll never stop doing that. I'll never stop telling Collin's story but I have to move on with my life to an extent. That's a bad word though...move on...it's more like forget ahead! That in and of itself is becoming painful just thinking about it. I can do it because I am doing it but I have days that it is paralyzing... Today is one of those days.
The tears are flowing, my breathing is painful, the thought of going to church this morning scares me, we have tickets to a Steeler game! My first one ever, which is weird because I had thought I've been to one and the longer I thought about it I realized I've never been to one. The thought of going to a crowd in a Stadium scares the hell out me. I've always been the queen of social everything.
The death of my son changed me irrevocably. I don't want to go back to the person I was before what I would like is just a piece of me back, I would like my son back the way he was prior to all of the drugs, I'd like my family back whole again but those things will never happen.
Forging ahead
it's not as easy as it sounds. Definitely not as easy or simple as I thought it would be... Still in the early hours of a Sunday morning, as I sit here crying writing this blog, with strength from my God that I didn't think I could ever get and I certainly don't deserve. I say to you... hold on for dear life and know that you are not alone and you can do it! It will just take time and a whole lot of strength that you will have to gather up from those around you. Also for what God that you have, to trust with everything in you that He will do for you what you cannot do for yourself. You will miss your child EVERY day until you meet him or her again. I miss my son with every fiber of my being! I have great love for my other children a love that is so much that they can't fathom it! I have a grandson that was a blessing from my God above and I will honor my son's memory in him but that doesn't take the pain away. I smile I laugh I joke I Cry I have joy in my life I have blessings but I'm here to tell you that I still have pain. But I will get through it because somebody else reaches out their hand to me and says take it, walk with me and I trusted HIM that he will do what he says so today on this Sunday morning.... Trust, am.
Now I put myself into all kinds of fundraisers and helping others since I don't have to think about the fact that I'm devastated that my son is not here yet another year. But he's never coming back for another Christmas. That I have to go on and honor his life and his son Brayden without him.
I miss my son as much as I miss breathing and yet breathing is painful on a good day. I don't know how to explain it to people that have never been through it and there are some who have been through it that think that their pain is greater than mine. And who knows it maybe It is I don't know we each go through something different. Our pain is unique to ourselves and yet there is a bond between parents who have lost children like none other.
My goal with this blog was to reach out and help just one. Whether it has done that yet or not I do not know. But it has been helpful to me because I could get my feelings out My emotions that raw stuff that you can't just share with anybody face to face. That I cannot share with my family, my kids, my husband, Lord knows my sisters... But I can put it out here into this virtual place that goes to wherever I put it and strangers read it and accept me. There's no feedback no blowback. Just me putting my emotions out there for another mom or dad to read and they can say "Oh, I've been there, I'm not crazy". So if you're reading this and you feel alone you're not.
Funny thing is there's so many of us out there there's not a hall big enough to hold all of us. There's not a stadium big enough to hold all of us. We now occupy a larger group than any other. It's an epidemic, it's sad, it's angering, most importantly it's becoming part of our daily lives.
I thought I could make a difference so I went out there and I did the best I could to do so! I'll never stop doing that. I'll never stop telling Collin's story but I have to move on with my life to an extent. That's a bad word though...move on...it's more like forget ahead! That in and of itself is becoming painful just thinking about it. I can do it because I am doing it but I have days that it is paralyzing... Today is one of those days.
The tears are flowing, my breathing is painful, the thought of going to church this morning scares me, we have tickets to a Steeler game! My first one ever, which is weird because I had thought I've been to one and the longer I thought about it I realized I've never been to one. The thought of going to a crowd in a Stadium scares the hell out me. I've always been the queen of social everything.
The death of my son changed me irrevocably. I don't want to go back to the person I was before what I would like is just a piece of me back, I would like my son back the way he was prior to all of the drugs, I'd like my family back whole again but those things will never happen.
Forging ahead
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