It's never just another day without you!

As the days draw near to the year mark of the day that dreaded call came, so many thoughts, memories, feelings, and emotions just keep rolling in. I can't seem to keep my mind on anything else. I keep thinking about our last conversation and playing it over in my head. I knew that I should have called you after I didn't hear back from you. I have so much guilt, yet I know that it wasn't my fault or anyone else's. I'm angry yet sad. I feel alone yet surrounded by my kids, your siblings, and I feel so selfish for feeling so horrible all the time. Yet I can't shake it! I'm drowning in it!
When will the nightmare be over? I ask myself that question all the time! I also answer it... NEVER. You are never coming back! I hate waking up to the same reality. The fact that you are never going to be with us again!  NEVER in our lives here on Earth!
I love you as much as your brothers and sister! I love them as much as I love you! Living without one of you has been like some kind of nightmare. A cruel twist of fate that in a different life would never be... you were so full of life! So vibrant and crazy! You didn't really want to die...to leave us forever! I still wonder, how could this be?
No, my life won't ever be the same! No, I don't want a new normal! I wasn't given a choice and I just have to adapt somehow! However, for now, I think I just need to learn to breathe, to live again! To love again! I'm broken, cracked, shattered to bits... trying to put myself back together and not having one clue how to.


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