Seven Months You've been gone... Feels like a life sentence

So, as I waited for the 7 month mark to pass, I tried to block it out of my mind. It was strange because we had seen a cardinal this past week and I never see them. I'm not usually one for "signs" but somehow I knew that God was letting me know we were all going to be ok.  I thought it had worked. I had gotten past Friday flawlessly or so I had thought and Saturday staying busy with my daughter at her cousins swim party. It wasn't until later that evening that I felt very depressed and withdrawn. Alone. Sunday was not any better. Alone most of the day and feeling the pain of Collin not being was getting to me. The guilt can be excruciating at times for me
 Yes, my head tells me that it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. However, as a Mother my heart breaks every moment of every day knowing that I couldn't do anything. That every conversation I play over and over in my head goes back to "why didn't I ask him to pray with me?" Who cares if he said no I still didn't do my job at the end... I knew where he was headed, his path was a dark one. 
It's wreaking havoc on my home, my heart, my soul, and I just keep on going. I keep on smiling hoping no one's notices yet inside praying someone stops and takes hold and realizes I'm not who I pretend to be. I'm not strong, I'm not living, I'm not good, I'm just barely hanging on. I have hope of brighter days only because my God promised me That there would be. For now I hang on to that promise, frankly it's what holds me together. There is nothing or no one else that seems to be here to do that. My kids are in their own pain. My husband seems to be at a loss or clueless and everyone else, well I don't know.
So I guess losing our Collin has become a life sentence, at least for me. How do I survive it? Only God has that answer....

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