Living Beyond the Fear

I have lived beyond fear. Lived beyond giving a shit. There's nothing more dangerous than someone Living in fear. Fear can make you do unthinkable and unreasonable things.
I watched first hand what fear can do to a person and I've also lived it. I believe that fear played a huge role in my son's ultimate death.
He didn't get to live long enough to live past the fear into his true strength. To feel the true power of God working in him. He was still so young and so vulnerable to the outside world and all of it's influences. Yes, I know all the stories of how he was so tough and such a scraper. How he wasn't scared of anything! That was just a facade he wore.
I was his Momma first and foremost. I saw the pain and heard the fear in his voice. I saw the tears. I got the late night phone calls. Now, only God truly knows what was on Collins heart. As his Momma, I had a good idea, but I couldn't Always see the truth. Being blinded by the love for your child can be painful.
Feeling fear for your child, feeling helpless, hopeless, and not seeing the light for your child is Never a place I thought I'd ever be. How ever it is we got to that place, it was a travesty, not for me though, but for my son. My pain during all of those years never could match whatever Collin was going through. I can't even imagine how he must have felt.
Those feelings took him down a dark and winding road. A road that I eventually had to find  and go to. Once there, at least I had a light to guide my way. What I found there is beyond words. The guilt, shame, anger, fear, and just plain loneliness he must have felt had to be insurmountable!
His disease led him there. My love could not bring him back. He couldn't even feel the love of His Heavenly Father. Only Collin admitting that there was a problem could have shone a light in that darkness. Breaking the cycle of Addiction to save his own life. Stopping that demon of fear from cutting off his lifeline.
I'm trying everyday to come to terms with this. Trying to get this message out there to help other families who struggle daily with the same. The hurt. The pain. The shame. The guilt. The fear. If it doesn't stop it may just kill us all. Stop the silence. Break the chains that bind you and yours. It will save you from all that darkness and shine that light and help you live beyond it.

All My Love to You

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sharing Another Mother's Grief

This poem was written by Aline Lomastro Losing a child Do you want to know what it is like to lose a child? Sit down, let's talk, this could take quite a while. At first you are in shock, and then you are in denial. And pretty soon reality puts your emotions on trial. You lose so much, but the first you lose is your smile. To others you seem okay, but you really are not. The grief that you feel is only the start Because your child now lives only in your heart You treasure each picture that is all you have got You cling to memories that you thought you forgot You know your life will never again be the same. You pretend things are okay, and you hide your pain. You just want someone to mention his name. So you can imagine that he is beside you again. Sometimes you feel like you are going insane You still feel all alone, even when in a crowd. Others can speak of their children of whom they are proud, But to talk about your child, somehow isn't allowed So your
Read more

What I wouldn't do for 5 more minutes....

If someone had told me 2 years ago I be sitting here writing a Blog about the death of my son, I would have probably not believed them. Not that I didn't doubt that there was a possibility that my son will not be here, it would have been more about the blog. In my own abilities to write something that would affect others lives in a positive way. That was what this blog started out to be. To share my experience, strength, hope, and love, so not one more mother or father felt alone in their grief. The loss of a child to addiction is not like any other loss. Not that I'm discounting any other parents loss, don't take me wrong. Any loss, any grief in this way is horrifying. No parent should bury a child. I don't care what age. I don't care what the reason. However, watching your child kill themselves over an extended period of time is excruciating, unnecessary, and something that no one should have to endure. My story is similar to everyone else's and yet unlike e
Read more

Just a little bit

How do you put down in just a few sentences memorializing a life cut short by heroin and addiction? Collin was larger than life. Loved by all who knew him. He stood up for the little guy. Believed in justice for all. Gave all when he had nothing. Loved deeply. Lived like there was no tomorrow. More than anything he was loved beyond measure, beyond this life, into eternity. Heroin and addiction stole everything but the love. There is hope. He would want us all to spread the hope and the love. Collin we will love you for always. This was for Shatterproofs 5k in Kansas City... It's Me © Jacqueline Grieve Published on March 2011 Hey, you guys, don't feel guilty, It was just my time to go. I can see you're all feeling sad, I can see the tears still flow. My life's journey ended early, The path I chose was short. You all tried your best to change it, But in the end it was for me to sort. I know I caused you sadness, I know caused you pain, But I was cap
Read more