New Beginnings


Never in a million years did I think 10 months after my son died would I experience Joy. Somewhere in the beginning I had read that I would find it. Somedays I prayed for it, and I have searched for it because I did not want to spend the rest of my life feeling the utter desperation and destruction that I felt at that moment when he died.
The journey that I have been on has been eye-opening, at times an utter struggle, a learning experience, painful, and there have been a million moments that I have had no words to explain exactly what it is I feel. I did however, realize that this journey has not been one that I've been on alone. Not only are there thousands of parents and loved ones on this journey but also my own family on it with me. My own children especially. Looking in their eyes has been the hardest thing to do. Wanting to protect your children is number one on your list of things the moment they're born that you want to do, and I'm unable to do that. Unable to protect them, to stop their pain and to keep them safe from any harm.
Today I sit here with my grandson. Flesh of My Flesh. Bone of my bone. Blood of My Blood. My heart. Looking upon him, seeing my child in him, knowing that my son will live on through him, brings me such Joy that even my heart being broken as it is gives me such immense  Joy  that I cannot put it into words.
I have such gratitude for the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, it is a humbling experience. I don't deserve it but I'll take it.
I never thought that this day would come. I thought that my Sons tomorrow's were all stolen from us because of the addiction.  However, now we still get to have a future part of my son's future, and I do know that is a gift like no other. Where there was Darkness there is light.... I will be forever grateful.
So, to any parent out there who feels like there is no light in the Darkness and that your tomorrows have been stolen from you I do understand... And you may not get to have the gift of life in this same way, but if you see even a glimmer at the end of your tunnel, please grab on to it because it will turn into something bigger.  You will find Joy again someday. It may not be the same joy that I have and my heart goes out to you, my soul cries out to you, but someday you will experience Joy again. I was promised it, I am passing that promise along to you along with hope. Hope of a brighter day...💙
That is my prayer for all of you.

All My Big Love,
Collins Momma





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