First Angelversary without you...what I've learned
I woke up today after not sleeping as well as I had hoped, thoughts swirling around in my head of last year's events kept my mind occupied more than I had hoped.
It is not that I didn't want to think or dream of my son. That's not the case at all, I want to think of Collin, remember him in all the ways that matter. Honor him, bring joy to our lives with his memory.
That however is not what happened last night. Jumbled thoughts of the events leading up to the phone call that just about broke me is what happened. Thoughts of the call and the events afterwards those are the things that went through my mind last night. I have determined that I spent the next seven to eight days last year, in a fog. I simply want about the Motions of doing what I had to do to survive it. I practically held my breath until I could just hold him once again.
Completely shattered once I saw him! All I wanted at that point was to hold on and to never let go. I was completely prepared to sleep at the funeral home because I didn't want him to be that cold and alone! The fact of the matter was I couldn't leave him period. I felt all alone in that moment, paralyzed by my grief. I have no idea how long I held him. How long my husband stood with me watching over us both, holding back his own gut wrenching sorrow, so that I could simply be with my baby.
Looking back in time now, that had to be the hardest thing for that man...to drag me from that place. To leave his son and pull his wife from her child. GOD BLESS my husband for being my rock that day and so many other days. Lord knows that on so many other occasions when there was no one else left standing, and I was left alone screaming out at my husband in anger! He never left! It almost broke us, but almost doesn't count now does it?
Over this past year I've learned alot about myself, my husband, my children, my friends, and who my family truly are. Some lessons were tougher than others. Some were joyful. I've learned to forgive more. Love harder. Fight for what I believe. Trust in my God in everything. TO SURRENDER!
I have discovered that if I look there is Joy even in immense pain. There are Blessings in our sorrow. That even though pain is inevitable in life, misery however is an option.
So, on this first anniversary of our son's passing. I will speak his name with love and pride. I will remember the goodness in him. That although his death was tragic, senseless, and that addiction killed him. I will not allow it to define him or our family in his Eternity.
Collin Gregory Seagriff left us on November 23, 2016... still the son we loved. A big, bright, beautiful soul. The brother who loved with no conditions, with great humor and a big heart. A man who loved his girl without abandon, no regrets or conditions. A daddy who would have laid his life down for his son. A grandson who was proud of his grandparents and Loved them with full on big love! A nephew who loved fiercely. A cousin with made pride and love for his fam! Just a boy with great love of family! A friend who gave without regards to his own needs or regret.
He was and will always be our bright and beautiful boy who leaves an empty spot in every place we go. We will love him unconditionally Forevermore 💜💙💜
It is not that I didn't want to think or dream of my son. That's not the case at all, I want to think of Collin, remember him in all the ways that matter. Honor him, bring joy to our lives with his memory.
That however is not what happened last night. Jumbled thoughts of the events leading up to the phone call that just about broke me is what happened. Thoughts of the call and the events afterwards those are the things that went through my mind last night. I have determined that I spent the next seven to eight days last year, in a fog. I simply want about the Motions of doing what I had to do to survive it. I practically held my breath until I could just hold him once again.
Completely shattered once I saw him! All I wanted at that point was to hold on and to never let go. I was completely prepared to sleep at the funeral home because I didn't want him to be that cold and alone! The fact of the matter was I couldn't leave him period. I felt all alone in that moment, paralyzed by my grief. I have no idea how long I held him. How long my husband stood with me watching over us both, holding back his own gut wrenching sorrow, so that I could simply be with my baby.
Looking back in time now, that had to be the hardest thing for that man...to drag me from that place. To leave his son and pull his wife from her child. GOD BLESS my husband for being my rock that day and so many other days. Lord knows that on so many other occasions when there was no one else left standing, and I was left alone screaming out at my husband in anger! He never left! It almost broke us, but almost doesn't count now does it?
Over this past year I've learned alot about myself, my husband, my children, my friends, and who my family truly are. Some lessons were tougher than others. Some were joyful. I've learned to forgive more. Love harder. Fight for what I believe. Trust in my God in everything. TO SURRENDER!
I have discovered that if I look there is Joy even in immense pain. There are Blessings in our sorrow. That even though pain is inevitable in life, misery however is an option.
So, on this first anniversary of our son's passing. I will speak his name with love and pride. I will remember the goodness in him. That although his death was tragic, senseless, and that addiction killed him. I will not allow it to define him or our family in his Eternity.
Collin Gregory Seagriff left us on November 23, 2016... still the son we loved. A big, bright, beautiful soul. The brother who loved with no conditions, with great humor and a big heart. A man who loved his girl without abandon, no regrets or conditions. A daddy who would have laid his life down for his son. A grandson who was proud of his grandparents and Loved them with full on big love! A nephew who loved fiercely. A cousin with made pride and love for his fam! Just a boy with great love of family! A friend who gave without regards to his own needs or regret.
He was and will always be our bright and beautiful boy who leaves an empty spot in every place we go. We will love him unconditionally Forevermore 💜💙💜
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