8 Months without You
As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I sit here at 8 months reminded every day of an internal countdown. You and I used to countdown to Beautiful Moments like vacations, Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, ball games, and anything else you could think of. Now my mind does a countdown to the day you left us.
Its 8 months today that you left us. I remember when you were 8 months old to the day! It's very easy because Cody turned 2 that day. Your birthday's being on the 15th day of separate months mad milestones between the two of you easy to remember. Each milestone you achieved he was there beside you. Prodding or smiling. You two were inseparable for many years growing up and I have so many wonderful memories of these years.
You were so happy as a child! Always smiling and laughing. Climbing on everything and exploring! I can't tell you the time or day that your smile began to fade and your spirit with it, but I noticed the Change in you. I drove you crazy with the questions.
I remembered looking into your eyes and knowing as a mother that things were so wrong. Also knowing that I wasn't so sure that I could make anything right again. I knew that growing up things were not easy but I always kept the lines of communication open. You knew that you could talk to me about anything. That I'd love you no matter what. My mind goes over all of this daily. I blame myself for alot of things, no one can tell me Differently. As parents we are to protect our children and I failed you in your mind. I can't name the date, but I know that it happened. You lost faith in us, in our relationship. I knew that things weren't right in our lives and you were doing things to numb the pain. I also spoke with you about it. You told the lie that you believed as truth...that you could handle it. You could quit anything at anytime. I loved you then and I love you still. I made a judgment call then to protect your younger siblings and made you choose between your drugs and booze or life with us...the moment that you walked out that door my heart and soul went with you.
There were a million things over the next 4 years that led up to your last Moments...many of them we spoke about. One thing I am grateful for is that we had the chance to talk about our love and that you understood how much I truly Love you. That I love you without strings, conditions, or limitations. It does give me peace to know that you felt LOVE.
It doesn't, however, take away from the grief that racks my mind and body on a daily. I miss you beyond any comprehension or measure. The pain I feel is unlike anything I have ever known. I can't escape it. I can't fix it. I can't cover it up.i can't mask it. It is constant yet changing. It effects everything I do. It colors the way I look at things. It drives me yet paralyzes me all at the same time. It has me fearful for your siblings and how they deal with it. They miss you and hurt too. I'm their Momma bear too.
Your death has bonded me to people I've never met. Indoctrinated me into a club I never wanted to be in. Introduced me to some of the most beautiful souls and extraordinary people I have ever known. Proven to me that love NEVER dies. It has demonstrated to be the single most painful experience of my lifetime. Even my best day is more painful than my worst day before losing you.
Every event, room, picture, Holiday to come, and vacation planned will and does have and empty space that you're supposed to be in! Those who love you feel the emptiness but I don't just feel it and your siblings don't just feel it either, we live it.
Like a place I look at or towards waiting for you to come or appear. The physical pain from the ache inside because you're not there scares me. I even forget to breathe because of the anxiety and anticipation of what could have been.
I can't wrap my logical brain around the illogical part that I had to let you go Forever. Not just a temporary kind of let go...a your urn sits on my mantle let go! It doesn't make sense and it's not how it is supposed to work. We had a deal. You'd take care of me when I got old, along with your brother's and sister. I'm not old and you didn't get to live out any of your dreams yet. You're family doesn't get to share their futures with you and you with them.
That despite my best efforts and honesty with you I couldn't save you from life. That all my prayers were not answered. God did not save you! Every day I ask him why. I even bargained with him long beforehand, to take me and not you. If it had to be, to give you a chance at life and take me. I understand that it doesn't work this way but I was at a loss... desperately trying to figure out how to save one of my children. I'd do it for any of you! I'm still mad that I'm here and you're not. You had a big beautiful heart and alot of life to live. So many Moments left ahead of you! Joys yet to experience. I, as your Momma, wanted so much for you. Wanted love and joy and Family for you!
I Never wanted one day of pain for you! I know with pain there's growth! No parent wants pain for their child, we all want Better for you than what we did or have. Watching you struggle daily was hard but not watching because you are not here is excruciating!
So what I'm left with are memories, love, being your Mom and your siblings! I will forever be grateful for the gift of being your Momma. I will probably write letters like this to you for the rest of my natural life. I'm eternally grateful for the gift of your siblings who I love as much and as hard as I love you! I cherish every moment I got to spend with you and every memory we have from those moments.
What I am having trouble with are all the moments we were robbed of! Yes we! Me and everyone who loved you! I'm just trying to to find a place to put all the love I have for you, the moments we should be sharing, the empty space you should be occupying, the would have, could have , and Should haves. I will always love you. That did not die when you took your last breath.
I will continue to be your Mom and I will love you to the moon and back
More than all the stars in the sky and even
More than the warmest of sunshine on my face...
I will love you into my eternity
I will carry you with me wherever I go 💙
Its 8 months today that you left us. I remember when you were 8 months old to the day! It's very easy because Cody turned 2 that day. Your birthday's being on the 15th day of separate months mad milestones between the two of you easy to remember. Each milestone you achieved he was there beside you. Prodding or smiling. You two were inseparable for many years growing up and I have so many wonderful memories of these years.
You were so happy as a child! Always smiling and laughing. Climbing on everything and exploring! I can't tell you the time or day that your smile began to fade and your spirit with it, but I noticed the Change in you. I drove you crazy with the questions.
I remembered looking into your eyes and knowing as a mother that things were so wrong. Also knowing that I wasn't so sure that I could make anything right again. I knew that growing up things were not easy but I always kept the lines of communication open. You knew that you could talk to me about anything. That I'd love you no matter what. My mind goes over all of this daily. I blame myself for alot of things, no one can tell me Differently. As parents we are to protect our children and I failed you in your mind. I can't name the date, but I know that it happened. You lost faith in us, in our relationship. I knew that things weren't right in our lives and you were doing things to numb the pain. I also spoke with you about it. You told the lie that you believed as truth...that you could handle it. You could quit anything at anytime. I loved you then and I love you still. I made a judgment call then to protect your younger siblings and made you choose between your drugs and booze or life with us...the moment that you walked out that door my heart and soul went with you.
There were a million things over the next 4 years that led up to your last Moments...many of them we spoke about. One thing I am grateful for is that we had the chance to talk about our love and that you understood how much I truly Love you. That I love you without strings, conditions, or limitations. It does give me peace to know that you felt LOVE.
It doesn't, however, take away from the grief that racks my mind and body on a daily. I miss you beyond any comprehension or measure. The pain I feel is unlike anything I have ever known. I can't escape it. I can't fix it. I can't cover it up.i can't mask it. It is constant yet changing. It effects everything I do. It colors the way I look at things. It drives me yet paralyzes me all at the same time. It has me fearful for your siblings and how they deal with it. They miss you and hurt too. I'm their Momma bear too.
Your death has bonded me to people I've never met. Indoctrinated me into a club I never wanted to be in. Introduced me to some of the most beautiful souls and extraordinary people I have ever known. Proven to me that love NEVER dies. It has demonstrated to be the single most painful experience of my lifetime. Even my best day is more painful than my worst day before losing you.
Every event, room, picture, Holiday to come, and vacation planned will and does have and empty space that you're supposed to be in! Those who love you feel the emptiness but I don't just feel it and your siblings don't just feel it either, we live it.
Like a place I look at or towards waiting for you to come or appear. The physical pain from the ache inside because you're not there scares me. I even forget to breathe because of the anxiety and anticipation of what could have been.
I can't wrap my logical brain around the illogical part that I had to let you go Forever. Not just a temporary kind of let go...a your urn sits on my mantle let go! It doesn't make sense and it's not how it is supposed to work. We had a deal. You'd take care of me when I got old, along with your brother's and sister. I'm not old and you didn't get to live out any of your dreams yet. You're family doesn't get to share their futures with you and you with them.
That despite my best efforts and honesty with you I couldn't save you from life. That all my prayers were not answered. God did not save you! Every day I ask him why. I even bargained with him long beforehand, to take me and not you. If it had to be, to give you a chance at life and take me. I understand that it doesn't work this way but I was at a loss... desperately trying to figure out how to save one of my children. I'd do it for any of you! I'm still mad that I'm here and you're not. You had a big beautiful heart and alot of life to live. So many Moments left ahead of you! Joys yet to experience. I, as your Momma, wanted so much for you. Wanted love and joy and Family for you!
I Never wanted one day of pain for you! I know with pain there's growth! No parent wants pain for their child, we all want Better for you than what we did or have. Watching you struggle daily was hard but not watching because you are not here is excruciating!
So what I'm left with are memories, love, being your Mom and your siblings! I will forever be grateful for the gift of being your Momma. I will probably write letters like this to you for the rest of my natural life. I'm eternally grateful for the gift of your siblings who I love as much and as hard as I love you! I cherish every moment I got to spend with you and every memory we have from those moments.
What I am having trouble with are all the moments we were robbed of! Yes we! Me and everyone who loved you! I'm just trying to to find a place to put all the love I have for you, the moments we should be sharing, the empty space you should be occupying, the would have, could have , and Should haves. I will always love you. That did not die when you took your last breath.
I will continue to be your Mom and I will love you to the moon and back
More than all the stars in the sky and even
More than the warmest of sunshine on my face...
I will love you into my eternity
I will carry you with me wherever I go 💙
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