The Remains of This Day

My love for my children has never had any boundaries or limits. Nor has it known strings or conditions. My love for them has smashed down all pity, hate, fear, regrets, lies, dysfunction, and without apology most anything.
The one thing my love could not conquer. Could not beat, overcome, or vanquish was my son's addiction and ultimately his death. The Love still remains.
My love for Collin will be with me until my last breath and into eternity. He took my love with him wherever he went! Including into his next life, with everlasting Peace and Love.
I know that my son would want me to carry on. Some days that seems like a very cruel task.
Today was one of those moments, for I have put off procuring all of Collin's remains.
See, Collin was cremated. I have been weak and did not have the inner strength to go back to that place again. The place where I saw my baby, my son, lying in a place he should never have been at 22.
Some of him I took back to Florida to be scattered at a beautiful beach and he literally lit up the waters. Some of Collin we wear around our necks Forever having a part of him close to our hearts. Others have keepsakes.
For some reason I just could not go back and retrieve what was left. Then the guilt set in for not going. Then that would increase 10 fold each time I would think of it. It was a horrible cycle I had to stop.
So, for whatever reason, I just did it! It broke me to be handed that black plastic box! I drove home with him on my lap as if he were a small child seated there. Walked into our home and just cried holding him. Every fiber of me just aching. Grateful that his siblings weren't around to see it. Yet needing someone, anyone just to be there.
My heart still in pieces. My Love STILL in tact. This is what remains of THIS day. The Love.

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