The Crack in My Soul - 11 Months
So you wake up and it is just like every other day for about 3 seconds! Then it hits you... he's been gone exactly 11 months TODAY! That phone call came 334 days ago, it forever changes our lives. Leaving a crack in my soul! Caused damage to my family that cannot be undone. Put images in my mind that I can't shake. I do the very best that I can to move forward, to bring more love to our world than hate or ugliness. As of late I've felt overwhelmed by all of the ugly.
It's as if my heart and soul are crying out that they have had enough. I look at all of my kids and wonder what they are thinking, I mean REALLY thinking! I know that they don't tell me their all...they protect me as much as I protect them. I see pain in their eyes alot when they look at me. That's not what I have ever wanted for them.
That one event, that one moment in time, has changed us all. Some good changes. There's a new baby. Yes, my son died not knowing that he was going to be a daddy. As tragic as that is, it's also a miracle. Brayden has been a ray of hope in the middle of the dark. He is a beautiful and bright boy. Full of life. He lives in Florida with his Momma, which makes it very hard on me, the distance. I would love to be a much bigger part of his life but it's just not possible Right now. That breaks my heart daily. It's just part of life, but I have to live with it.
Our son Dylan and his girlfriend are expecting in May, so another joy in our lives! Yes, I am blessed beyond measure. Yes I do count my blessings. Yes I do have a grateful heart. I'm over the moon happy to be a grandma again and full time to top it off!
What seems to over shadow everything though is Collin. He is missing from every single event. He's with me in my heart but physically gone...he had been for a while but I'd always held out hope that he'd return. Now my hope is gone... Torn from me like something ripped off of my person! A little too harshly and with no warning!
No, life isn't fair! However, I'm not talking fair here. I'm just talking about right. No parents ever should have to go through any of this. There are far too many of us. I read story after story and it makes my stomach turn. That our babies are suffering out there and for what? To what end?
I know what the end looks like...for those of us left behind it doesn't end...not ever. Our lives are changed indefinitely. Infinitely! Where, what, and how do we go on from this? I'm just doing the best I can...one moment at a time. Loving anyone I can whenever I can telling our story as much as I can hoping it will help even just one. Outside of that, we have each other. I will miss my Collin into my eternity when I see him. Until then I will keep him with me in my heart and soul and wear the crack that appeared the day his soul left this Earth.
It's as if my heart and soul are crying out that they have had enough. I look at all of my kids and wonder what they are thinking, I mean REALLY thinking! I know that they don't tell me their all...they protect me as much as I protect them. I see pain in their eyes alot when they look at me. That's not what I have ever wanted for them.
That one event, that one moment in time, has changed us all. Some good changes. There's a new baby. Yes, my son died not knowing that he was going to be a daddy. As tragic as that is, it's also a miracle. Brayden has been a ray of hope in the middle of the dark. He is a beautiful and bright boy. Full of life. He lives in Florida with his Momma, which makes it very hard on me, the distance. I would love to be a much bigger part of his life but it's just not possible Right now. That breaks my heart daily. It's just part of life, but I have to live with it.
Our son Dylan and his girlfriend are expecting in May, so another joy in our lives! Yes, I am blessed beyond measure. Yes I do count my blessings. Yes I do have a grateful heart. I'm over the moon happy to be a grandma again and full time to top it off!
What seems to over shadow everything though is Collin. He is missing from every single event. He's with me in my heart but physically gone...he had been for a while but I'd always held out hope that he'd return. Now my hope is gone... Torn from me like something ripped off of my person! A little too harshly and with no warning!
No, life isn't fair! However, I'm not talking fair here. I'm just talking about right. No parents ever should have to go through any of this. There are far too many of us. I read story after story and it makes my stomach turn. That our babies are suffering out there and for what? To what end?
I know what the end looks like...for those of us left behind it doesn't end...not ever. Our lives are changed indefinitely. Infinitely! Where, what, and how do we go on from this? I'm just doing the best I can...one moment at a time. Loving anyone I can whenever I can telling our story as much as I can hoping it will help even just one. Outside of that, we have each other. I will miss my Collin into my eternity when I see him. Until then I will keep him with me in my heart and soul and wear the crack that appeared the day his soul left this Earth.
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