A Mother's Love Story

This has been one heck of a roller coaster ride! Over the last 8 months since my son died I have seen more, heard more, felt more, cried more, and done more involving overdose than I ever thought about in my entire 48 years of life. That to me is sad. I should have been more involved from the beginning! Not just for my son's sake but for the masses of others out there suffering. My heart is not just breaking because my son is erased needlessly from this world but also because there are more dying every single day! Collin would have hated all of this. He was kind and loving. His heart would also be broken for people he's never met. Broken for the thousands of people without faces to so many but for us they more than just matter, they are connected by a common thread that can't be cut. Like a part of us, family of sorts. So this fight doesn't end just because my son is no longer here. It will go on! So on this day of overdose awareness, I beseech of you to search deep i...

Today marks the day that we haven't had your smile for nine months now. It also comes with the Bittersweet passing of your Pap Don. So I know that he is with you now. You have an entire family up there with you. For me left down here, it's a bitter with the sweet kind of moment. Bitter because of the bite! The sting of death no matter how my heart and mind know about the afterlife, I still have immense pain. The sweet because I believe that you are all together having nothing but sheer love, joy, and walking with our Lord. In the days and weeks and months to come I will experience Joy, laughter, pain, sorrow, and my expectations of my self are always higher than anyone Else's. Above and beyond the noise and confusion of my own mind and of this world is something so much more important...My love for my children! My love for my family! My love for my friends! Most importantly my love for my Heavenly Father! I miss you my son more than my lungs can handle air Sometimes! I ...

There are just days when I wake up and they are beautiful, and I can go out into the world and do and be and function like I did before everything went so horribly wrong. I still think of you often on those days. I still weep in silence and speak your name, but it doesn't make my heart ache to where I am paralyzed from it. Then there are still those days where I get so overwhelmed by the pain of knowing that I will never, in my lifetime, see, touch, hug, laugh with you, or share another Moment with you that it shakes me to the core of my being! I want any other Mother or Father out there to hear me on this. It is ok to be a total mess sometimes. To wake up and feel like you've made no progress and that you just want to hide from the world. Do not feel like you are alone in this! The sad fact of all of this is that even if your family and closest friends do not understand why you are the way you are, there are millions of people out there who do! The number is growing daily. I...

As I sit here caught between joy and brokenness my thoughts Always go-to my son. He is always with me. Ever present even in his absence. Even with the birth of the baby, and no matter what anyone says, I look in that sweet baby boys face and I know deep in my Mom heart who he is, can tell me Differently! Even though this is a bittersweet Moment in time. Even though I cannot meet him yet. Not hold him or sing our songs as I did with his Daddy and his siblings. My heart is already there. Here in this beautiful place with my own babies, with one of my forever friends, trying so hard to celebrate life, I feel torn. I want to run, go to my baby's boy and just hold him and whisper in his ear how much his Daddy loves him. How much we love him. How beautiful and smart and important he is already at only 10 days old. His Momma did a wonderful job and his is perfect in every way possible. I am humbled by God's blessings, grace, and mercy. I want to shout from every roof top how good He...

These past few months during the summer days hasn't been as easy for me as I would have liked them to be. Usually summer flies by so quickly, with things to do and kids running in and out. This summer was quite the opposite. I found it to be a lonely and quiet one. My youngest not so young and my oldest out on their own. With Collin permanently gone from our physical lives, the obvious empty space unable to be filled made it almost unbearable. All of my children made their best attempts to Always be there and make me laugh and share their lives with me. Letting me know what family is for. Allowing me to grieve yet not letting me forget that I have a responsibility to them to be present for them. Not just present but alive in spirit, body, and mind. This isn't an easy task. My mind is cluttered with memories and shattered by grief. My spirit crushed by the loss of one of my children, a hole that can't ever be filled. My mind playing tricks on me and constantly forgetting t...

As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I sit here at 8 months reminded every day of an internal countdown.  You and I used to countdown to Beautiful Moments like vacations, Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, ball games, and anything else you could think of. Now my mind does a countdown to the day you left us. Its 8 months today that you left us. I remember when you were 8 months old to the day! It's very easy because Cody turned 2 that day. Your birthday's being on the 15th day of separate months mad milestones between the two of you easy to remember. Each milestone you achieved he was there  beside you. Prodding or smiling. You two were inseparable for many years growing up and I have so many wonderful memories of these years. You were so happy as a child! Always smiling and laughing. Climbing on everything and exploring! I can't tell you the time or day that your smile began to fade and your spirit with it, but I noticed the Change in you. I drove you crazy w...

Just sharing some some education from the other side of the road... Yes, NARCAN is the subject and YES I'm pro NARCAN! I'M also pro saving lives no matter who or what the circumstances...love to all. https://addictionunscripted.com/a-letter-to-those-who-continue-to-perpetuate-the-stigma-of-addiction/

This poem was written by Aline Lomastro Losing a child Do you want to know what it is like to lose a child? Sit down, let's talk, this could take quite a while. At first you are in shock, and then you are in denial. And pretty soon reality puts your emotions on trial. You lose so much, but the first you lose is your smile. To others you seem okay, but you really are not. The grief that you feel is only the start Because your child now lives only in your heart You treasure each picture that is all you have got You cling to memories that you thought you forgot You know your life will never again be the same. You pretend things are okay, and you hide your pain. You just want someone to mention his name. So you can imagine that he is beside you again. Sometimes you feel like you are going insane You still feel all alone, even when in a crowd. Others can speak of their children of whom they are proud, But to talk about your child, somehow isn't allowed So your ...

Hey...I found this today and thought of us. I miss you More every day. Here's to our new normal.... What is Normal after your son dies? We were all so close...this just can't be right! My new Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize your son  is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal is trying to decide how to include plus honor your child for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th..Monday's, Tuesday's...... Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs & why didn't I's go through your head constantly. Normal is reliving the same day continuously through your heart, eyes and mind- holding your head to make it go away. Normal is having your phone constantly in your hand. Playing games, scanning Facebook, reading articles about nonsensical things, looking up education on addiction, trying to find a solution... just so you aren't alone...

This day doesn't mark any special occasion or anniversary...just another day without you. Another memory comes up....Then another and another and on and on it goes! I'll have a lifetime of remembering and a lifetime of not one more new Moments with you! I have boxes of pictures I cannot find the courage to put together. A shrine to your memory that's unhealthy and not helping anyone. I can't let go because your my child, that doesn't die when you did! So I'm stuck here, miserable on the inside. Angry because I don't get to be with all of my children anymore! What a crew we all were! I love you and it's Killing me slowly. I love your brother's and your sister more than life. If I lost one of them it would be no different. I'm petrified about that too. However my boy what plagues me now is the utter loneliness I feel, the hole that you left. I can't fill it, fix it, pretend, or smile it away! I used to say no one could break me...that I was onl...

So, as I waited for the 7 month mark to pass, I tried to block it out of my mind. It was strange because we had seen a cardinal this past week and I never see them. I'm not usually one for "signs" but somehow I knew that God was letting me know we were all going to be ok.  I thought it had worked. I had gotten past Friday flawlessly or so I had thought and Saturday staying busy with my daughter at her cousins swim party. It wasn't until later that evening that I felt very depressed and withdrawn. Alone. Sunday was not any better. Alone most of the day and feeling the pain of Collin not being was getting to me. The guilt can be excruciating at times for me  Yes, my head tells me that it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. However, as a Mother my heart breaks every moment of every day knowing that I couldn't do anything. That every conversation I play over and over in my head goes back to "why didn't I ask him to pray with me?"...

As I was going about my morning and took a moment to reflect, my mind Always turns to a multitude of things. The first thing is my God. He is my constant, my Friend, my comfort, my Everything. Without Him I would be a puddle in a corner somewhere or worse, dead. The second immediate thing I realize is that my son is not here. I don't mean here at my house, or in the state. I mean that he is permanently wiped off this planet. Forever stolen from me. The third thought that comes to play is was he at peace with his God? As a child my beautiful and loving boy asked and spoke of his God as if he knew him personally. Which, by the way, is how it should be. So, as a mom I have to believe that his relationship, although in some turmoil, remained. I struggle with this sometimes. It's a huge deal for me. Anyone who knows me must know by now that my personal experience and journey in life has led me straight to my Heavenly Father. The one thing, the one Father who has loved me without str...

I have lived beyond fear. Lived beyond giving a shit. There's nothing more dangerous than someone Living in fear. Fear can make you do unthinkable and unreasonable things. I watched first hand what fear can do to a person and I've also lived it. I believe that fear played a huge role in my son's ultimate death. He didn't get to live long enough to live past the fear into his true strength. To feel the true power of God working in him. He was still so young and so vulnerable to the outside world and all of it's influences. Yes, I know all the stories of how he was so tough and such a scraper. How he wasn't scared of anything! That was just a facade he wore. I was his Momma first and foremost. I saw the pain and heard the fear in his voice. I saw the tears. I got the late night phone calls. Now, only God truly knows what was on Collins heart. As his Momma, I had a good idea, but I couldn't Always see the truth. Being blinded by the love for your child can b...

My love for my children has never had any boundaries or limits. Nor has it known strings or conditions. My love for them has smashed down all pity, hate, fear, regrets, lies, dysfunction, and without apology most anything. The one thing my love could not conquer. Could not beat, overcome, or vanquish was my son's addiction and ultimately his death. The Love still remains. My love for Collin will be with me until my last breath and into eternity. He took my love with him wherever he went! Including into his next life, with everlasting Peace and Love. I know that my son would want me to carry on. Some days that seems like a very cruel task. Today was one of those moments, for I have put off procuring all of Collin's remains. See, Collin was cremated. I have been weak and did not have the inner strength to go back to that place again. The place where I saw my baby, my son, lying in a place he should never have been at 22. Some of him I took back to Florida to be scattered at...

https://youtu.be/vKH2lMtT36A Sometime in the middle of the night around 2am I get a text from my oldest son saying he can't stop watching this video. He can't stop crying. I don't receive this text until 9 upon Awakening. I ask him what video? What are talking about? Then it hits me that the boys from our local High School must have finished and released the finished product and I just hadn't heard anything from them. My eldest son Cody had been tagged in it on Facebook and seen it before even knowing what it was. Collins fiance also was tagged. I watched it for the first time this morning. Tears streaming down my face with my baby Caroline by my side. It kind of was like reliving that moment all over again. Only this time, I knew I was doing it for a greater purpose. To hopefully save a life and honor my son's life. My poor kids. They are all so devastated still. Just yesterday my two older boys both called and texted me one crying one just telling me how wreck...

How do you put down in just a few sentences memorializing a life cut short by heroin and addiction? Collin was larger than life. Loved by all who knew him. He stood up for the little guy. Believed in justice for all. Gave all when he had nothing. Loved deeply. Lived like there was no tomorrow. More than anything he was loved beyond measure, beyond this life, into eternity. Heroin and addiction stole everything but the love. There is hope. He would want us all to spread the hope and the love. Collin we will love you for always. This was for Shatterproofs 5k in Kansas City... It's Me © Jacqueline Grieve Published on March 2011 Hey, you guys, don't feel guilty, It was just my time to go. I can see you're all feeling sad, I can see the tears still flow. My life's journey ended early, The path I chose was short. You all tried your best to change it, But in the end it was for me to sort. I know I caused you sadness, I know caused you pain, But I was cap...

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It's been tough lately. I'm angry, sad, bitter, tough yet weak, just a plethora of things all at the same time. You've been gone 6 months. It is hard not to count the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and even the seconds. Every moment somehow gets consumed with missing you. I look into the eyes of your siblings and see their sorrow. I think of you. I feel the tightening in my chest. I think of you. I feel the anger swelling up inside of me towards so many for all sorts of reasons and I think of you. I get angry with myself and I think of you. I think of her and I think of you. I think of the baby she carries that she won't find out if it's yours or not just to spite me and I know that you would hate it! I get angry and I know what you would do and I can't in your place. It's slowly Killing me. She doesn't care and I think of you. She is going to keep us from him. I think of you and how much Family meant to you. My  mind  goes directly back to you. Wh...

Every day that I wake up it's different. I never knew waking up could be such a task. The sunny days seem to be a little easier but then memories will flood in like a tidal wave and flood my mind with days long past, moments not so long ago, and moments that I had dreamt of. Sometimes a smile will sneak upon my lips as if Collin were actually in the room. Those are great moments. Then suddenly a tear will follow, silently falling down my cheek like a little whisper. A fragment of him slipping from me. I hurry to catch it before it falls to the ground. I can't nor do I want to lose not one piece of him. I fight every day to save him, his memory. To honor the good in him. Oh, and there was so much good in him. Before all the addiction and hurt and demons. There was a bright shiny larger than life child who loved! He loved so much and for all the right reasons! I think I miss that the most. The love, the laughter, the excitements in his eyes when he had something new to show or t...

Out of the darkness and into the light That is where my soul desires to take flight My heart and my  head not completely in sync Yet my wants and my needs seem to be the same thing I hold on to moments of days gone past Hoping beyond hope my memories will last I want to give promise to those in despair But my own sadness confounds me and words seem so bare. Yet out of my Darkness My deepest despair Despite all the sadness The sorrow and trials Those I seek to help Aide in casting the light. So when my world seems bleak Disparaging infinite and heaped I look for the light from the others in front of me And the my darkest hour doesn't look so deep. So look for the light at the end of the tunnel Even if it seems as if it's just a flash or a glimmer Sometimes that little spark is all it will take to push you ahead A path laid before you by someone with foresight And Blazed a small path so you wouldn't get lost.