Just Another day of Missing a Piece of My Heart

When you lose someone, love isn't replaced with grief, grief is added to the love. A piece of your heart breaks off and love becomes painful. At first I kind of wandered through my days with purposeful intent. I had a cause, a reason to fight, and that gave me reason to wake up.
Now a few months have gone by and my purpose feels so insignificant in comparison to my pain. I wake up now for my other children and also in the hopes that my soon to be grandchild comes safely into this world.
Everytime I think of my son my heart becomes heavy. I feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts and feelings. Everything seems dull and feels less real. At times I can't even breathe.
I feel the need to find the pieces of my broken heart and glue them all back together. I know that it's not going to happen but the desire for my pain to dissipate seems to fill every moment in my day. It's not that I don't want to feel. I just don't want this pain. It's excruciating and seems to have no end.
So when daily tasks feel so dreaded and I feel so lost along the way, when ordinary problems come around and other issues cloud my mind, it is simply like being in the darkest of places. My grief and pain won't allow room for the every day things. I try to hide from my crazy thoughts and smile my way through the day but this pain just won't let it be.
Losing my Collin was my worst nightmare come to fruition! My one fear that I couldn't shake. The night the call came and I had to accept the reality of it was my worst day up until that moment. My pain can't be shared or compared or fixed. I just have to go on. It's a struggle. I've been through a ton of crap in my small life so I figured that I could handle all of this. The unfortunate part is I can't.
My days feel so long. The nights even longer. Consumed by thoughts and memories that just won't leave my aching head. My body feels as if I've been beaten. Nothing has ever beaten me. I've always gotten back up and continued to fight. This, well, isn't like anything I've ever even imagined.
So say a prayer or two for me. I need all the strength from all of you. God put you all in my life and I in yours for a purpose. Today I need you. Not just my God, I need my PEOPLE. Without you I just don't think I'll make it.

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 20, 2017 at 8:53 AM

    Thank you from one grieving mom to another.

    ReplyDelete

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