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Always Loving Him 💙

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There are just days when I wake up and they are beautiful, and I can go out into the world and do and be and function like I did before everything went so horribly wrong. I still think of you often on those days. I still weep in silence and speak your name, but it doesn't make my heart ache to where I am paralyzed from it. Then there are still those days where I get so overwhelmed by the pain of knowing that I will never, in my lifetime, see, touch, hug, laugh with you, or share another Moment with you that it shakes me to the core of my being! I want any other Mother or Father out there to hear me on this. It is ok to be a total mess sometimes. To wake up and feel like you've made no progress and that you just want to hide from the world. Do not feel like you are alone in this! The sad fact of all of this is that even if your family and closest friends do not understand why you are the way you are, there are millions of people out there who do! The number is growing daily. I...
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It's never just another day without you!

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As the days draw near to the year mark of the day that dreaded call came, so many thoughts, memories, feelings, and emotions just keep rolling in. I can't seem to keep my mind on anything else. I keep thinking about our last conversation and playing it over in my head. I knew that I should have called you after I didn't hear back from you. I have so much guilt, yet I know that it wasn't my fault or anyone else's. I'm angry yet sad. I feel alone yet surrounded by my kids, your siblings, and I feel so selfish for feeling so horrible all the time. Yet I can't shake it! I'm drowning in it! When will the nightmare be over? I ask myself that question all the time! I also answer it... NEVER. You are never coming back! I hate waking up to the same reality. The fact that you are never going to be with us again!  NEVER in our lives here on Earth! I love you as much as your brothers and sister! I love them as much as I love you! Living without one of you has been lik...
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My Collin's Babies First Easter

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Easter has always been an important time in our house. Yes we celebrate the traditional Easter Bunny and baskets full of candy. However, this Easter seems to be harder on me than last. I guess seeing my grandson hold his stuffed bunny and chew on his little rubber bunny bendy sticks brought back so many memories. They are all good of course. One in particular sticks out in my head more than others. Collin was about 4, and we had an Easter egg hunt in the courtyard in the apartments that we lived at. We had, must have been about 50 eggs all over. That boy loved his Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. We put change in with the candy and had so much fun doing it. There was all kinds of candy. But what we didn't know was that the squirrels cracked open the eggs with the peanut butter eggs in them and ate  the Reese's cups. So when the boys, Collin and Cody, found their prizes, all that were left were the wrappers and change. We all laughed so hard are belly's and cheeks hurt. I ca...
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