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Always Loving Him 💙

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There are just days when I wake up and they are beautiful, and I can go out into the world and do and be and function like I did before everything went so horribly wrong. I still think of you often on those days. I still weep in silence and speak your name, but it doesn't make my heart ache to where I am paralyzed from it. Then there are still those days where I get so overwhelmed by the pain of knowing that I will never, in my lifetime, see, touch, hug, laugh with you, or share another Moment with you that it shakes me to the core of my being! I want any other Mother or Father out there to hear me on this. It is ok to be a total mess sometimes. To wake up and feel like you've made no progress and that you just want to hide from the world. Do not feel like you are alone in this! The sad fact of all of this is that even if your family and closest friends do not understand why you are the way you are, there are millions of people out there who do! The number is growing daily. I...
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It's never just another day without you!

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As the days draw near to the year mark of the day that dreaded call came, so many thoughts, memories, feelings, and emotions just keep rolling in. I can't seem to keep my mind on anything else. I keep thinking about our last conversation and playing it over in my head. I knew that I should have called you after I didn't hear back from you. I have so much guilt, yet I know that it wasn't my fault or anyone else's. I'm angry yet sad. I feel alone yet surrounded by my kids, your siblings, and I feel so selfish for feeling so horrible all the time. Yet I can't shake it! I'm drowning in it! When will the nightmare be over? I ask myself that question all the time! I also answer it... NEVER. You are never coming back! I hate waking up to the same reality. The fact that you are never going to be with us again!  NEVER in our lives here on Earth! I love you as much as your brothers and sister! I love them as much as I love you! Living without one of you has been lik...
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Unending Love ❤️

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These past few months during the summer days hasn't been as easy for me as I would have liked them to be. Usually summer flies by so quickly, with things to do and kids running in and out. This summer was quite the opposite. I found it to be a lonely and quiet one. My youngest not so young and my oldest out on their own. With Collin permanently gone from our physical lives, the obvious empty space unable to be filled made it almost unbearable. All of my children made their best attempts to Always be there and make me laugh and share their lives with me. Letting me know what family is for. Allowing me to grieve yet not letting me forget that I have a responsibility to them to be present for them. Not just present but alive in spirit, body, and mind. This isn't an easy task. My mind is cluttered with memories and shattered by grief. My spirit crushed by the loss of one of my children, a hole that can't ever be filled. My mind playing tricks on me and constantly forgetting t...
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