The Night




Just as you begin to imagine that you had a good day you are getting ready for bed and it hits you. Like a truck with no brakes headed for the safety ramp horn blaring and lights flashing. You feel that emptiness all over again and you know that your night is beginning and it will be long and treacherous. Dark and dismal. Full of memories you can't afford to forget and yet some you'd rather not remember. The paradox of your life comes to life. You see his sweet face yet hear the last fight replaying over in your mind. You feel his hug but remember the last time he ran, in fact ran so far and so fast you didn't know that he had gone until he called you from Florida.
All of these random thoughts run on and on making me feel as if I am going to lose my mind. Then I gather myself together in my next breath knowing that I still have work to do here. Important work. I have two wonderful kids at home. They can't see me lose it over and over again.
Yes, the night comes in and takes my days but in the night no one can see the mess I can really be. No one can steal my solitude. My time with my son and my memories. I can wallow around in them without fear of judgement or disparaging glares.i can find my way through the night and the darkness because I know that God is always there. Day or night.
He is guiding me through this muck and mire. Leading me towards the path He has intended for me.
The night comes and I can choose, I have the choice to let it swallow me alive or allow God to  start me through the night. What my decision is not always the same but as long as I remember that I have the choice. That I am still alive, even in the night, then I am doing OK

Love,
Collin's Momma

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sharing Another Mother's Grief

This poem was written by Aline Lomastro Losing a child Do you want to know what it is like to lose a child? Sit down, let's talk, this could take quite a while. At first you are in shock, and then you are in denial. And pretty soon reality puts your emotions on trial. You lose so much, but the first you lose is your smile. To others you seem okay, but you really are not. The grief that you feel is only the start Because your child now lives only in your heart You treasure each picture that is all you have got You cling to memories that you thought you forgot You know your life will never again be the same. You pretend things are okay, and you hide your pain. You just want someone to mention his name. So you can imagine that he is beside you again. Sometimes you feel like you are going insane You still feel all alone, even when in a crowd. Others can speak of their children of whom they are proud, But to talk about your child, somehow isn't allowed So your
Read more

What I wouldn't do for 5 more minutes....

If someone had told me 2 years ago I be sitting here writing a Blog about the death of my son, I would have probably not believed them. Not that I didn't doubt that there was a possibility that my son will not be here, it would have been more about the blog. In my own abilities to write something that would affect others lives in a positive way. That was what this blog started out to be. To share my experience, strength, hope, and love, so not one more mother or father felt alone in their grief. The loss of a child to addiction is not like any other loss. Not that I'm discounting any other parents loss, don't take me wrong. Any loss, any grief in this way is horrifying. No parent should bury a child. I don't care what age. I don't care what the reason. However, watching your child kill themselves over an extended period of time is excruciating, unnecessary, and something that no one should have to endure. My story is similar to everyone else's and yet unlike e
Read more

Just a little bit

How do you put down in just a few sentences memorializing a life cut short by heroin and addiction? Collin was larger than life. Loved by all who knew him. He stood up for the little guy. Believed in justice for all. Gave all when he had nothing. Loved deeply. Lived like there was no tomorrow. More than anything he was loved beyond measure, beyond this life, into eternity. Heroin and addiction stole everything but the love. There is hope. He would want us all to spread the hope and the love. Collin we will love you for always. This was for Shatterproofs 5k in Kansas City... It's Me © Jacqueline Grieve Published on March 2011 Hey, you guys, don't feel guilty, It was just my time to go. I can see you're all feeling sad, I can see the tears still flow. My life's journey ended early, The path I chose was short. You all tried your best to change it, But in the end it was for me to sort. I know I caused you sadness, I know caused you pain, But I was cap
Read more