Five Months
Waking up is not always hard but today it wasn't easy or something that I particularly wanted to do. This day, well, this day marked 5 months since we got the dreaded call from a Florida hospital that you were gone. It was the worst night of my life. I had to wrap my head around the fact that you were never going to come back. No more phone calls, no more I love you Mom, not one more fight and not one more I'm sorry for either one of us. It was over forever!
Then I had to figure out how to make sense of what just happened enough to call your brothers. Oh my God your two brothers who were like partners in crime with you. How was I to tell them that their brother, their best friend was gone?!?! I had to wait until morning to tell the youngest two, Dalton was at a friend's and Caroline was asleep. How in God's holy name did I tell them? Those were to be the hardest words I ever had to speak. The hardest words my husband ever had to finish.
The next few hours were a blur, a sheer agonizing blur of what would I do? How would I see him? I need to get to my son! I just wanted to hold him and I couldn't. I couldn't get to my son and it was killing me slowly and I just didn't know it Yet.
The next few days and weeks became just a great big meltdown of days and weeks. One just flowing into the next. Never holding you one last time ate away at me each day. The way you had left Pennsylvania was eating away at me from the inside. All the turmoil in your life that I had no idea about until after you had left this earth! All the questions left unanswered. There was one person who held the key and she wasn't going to give any answers freely or without her own spin. All in the name of addiction. That word stung my insides like poison.
I had to find a way to make things right. I had to fix my family and couldn't. So much pain. So many things said and done over time. All my guilt and all my shame just like open wounds for anyone to pour salt on at anytime. Oh and believe me there were those that found it fun to do so.
All this agony in my family and all in the name of addiction! For what purpose? I'll never know. What I do know is that to make a difference and to honor you and your inner strength and courage and beautiful soul I must go on. I must not allow all the ugly to prevent you and your memory from becoming the one thing of beauty that it deserves to be.
I love you my son, Collin Gregory Seagriff. I will say your name and share your memories until my last breath. Not the memories of addiction but the memory of who you were on the inside.
You were Loved, you were importantly, and you will never be forgotten.
Then I had to figure out how to make sense of what just happened enough to call your brothers. Oh my God your two brothers who were like partners in crime with you. How was I to tell them that their brother, their best friend was gone?!?! I had to wait until morning to tell the youngest two, Dalton was at a friend's and Caroline was asleep. How in God's holy name did I tell them? Those were to be the hardest words I ever had to speak. The hardest words my husband ever had to finish.
The next few hours were a blur, a sheer agonizing blur of what would I do? How would I see him? I need to get to my son! I just wanted to hold him and I couldn't. I couldn't get to my son and it was killing me slowly and I just didn't know it Yet.
The next few days and weeks became just a great big meltdown of days and weeks. One just flowing into the next. Never holding you one last time ate away at me each day. The way you had left Pennsylvania was eating away at me from the inside. All the turmoil in your life that I had no idea about until after you had left this earth! All the questions left unanswered. There was one person who held the key and she wasn't going to give any answers freely or without her own spin. All in the name of addiction. That word stung my insides like poison.
I had to find a way to make things right. I had to fix my family and couldn't. So much pain. So many things said and done over time. All my guilt and all my shame just like open wounds for anyone to pour salt on at anytime. Oh and believe me there were those that found it fun to do so.
All this agony in my family and all in the name of addiction! For what purpose? I'll never know. What I do know is that to make a difference and to honor you and your inner strength and courage and beautiful soul I must go on. I must not allow all the ugly to prevent you and your memory from becoming the one thing of beauty that it deserves to be.
I love you my son, Collin Gregory Seagriff. I will say your name and share your memories until my last breath. Not the memories of addiction but the memory of who you were on the inside.
You were Loved, you were importantly, and you will never be forgotten.
Love the raw emotion that is so openly shared. Thanks for your willingness to do it.
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