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His First Birthday in Heaven...

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I thought I was prepared for your first birthday in heaven...he'd be 23 today! Nothing could have ever prepared me for this day! The bittersweet of knowing you have a son gives me joy Beyond any measure, the pain of not being able to hold you and tell you how much I love you is also beyond anything I've ever known, anything I can possibly measure and anything I can possibly Express in this blog. To all the parents, friends, siblings, relatives and loved ones who have lost anyone to addiction or anything else that feel this pain, my heart goes out to you. The only thing I have to say today is that if you feel anything close to what I feel do not keep it to yourself please share it with someone whether it be via a Blog, Facebook, a loved one, a stranger... Please do not hold this inside because it will kill you emotionally mentally physically it will take you down and break you into so many pieces that you will not recover. I know that my son Collin would want me to carry on...
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What I wouldn't do for 5 more minutes....

If someone had told me 2 years ago I be sitting here writing a Blog about the death of my son, I would have probably not believed them. Not that I didn't doubt that there was a possibility that my son will not be here, it would have been more about the blog. In my own abilities to write something that would affect others lives in a positive way. That was what this blog started out to be. To share my experience, strength, hope, and love, so not one more mother or father felt alone in their grief. The loss of a child to addiction is not like any other loss. Not that I'm discounting any other parents loss, don't take me wrong. Any loss, any grief in this way is horrifying. No parent should bury a child. I don't care what age. I don't care what the reason. However, watching your child kill themselves over an extended period of time is excruciating, unnecessary, and something that no one should have to endure. My story is similar to everyone else's and yet unlike e...
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The Remains of This Day

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My love for my children has never had any boundaries or limits. Nor has it known strings or conditions. My love for them has smashed down all pity, hate, fear, regrets, lies, dysfunction, and without apology most anything. The one thing my love could not conquer. Could not beat, overcome, or vanquish was my son's addiction and ultimately his death. The Love still remains. My love for Collin will be with me until my last breath and into eternity. He took my love with him wherever he went! Including into his next life, with everlasting Peace and Love. I know that my son would want me to carry on. Some days that seems like a very cruel task. Today was one of those moments, for I have put off procuring all of Collin's remains. See, Collin was cremated. I have been weak and did not have the inner strength to go back to that place again. The place where I saw my baby, my son, lying in a place he should never have been at 22. Some of him I took back to Florida to be scattered at...
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