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Always Loving Him 💙

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There are just days when I wake up and they are beautiful, and I can go out into the world and do and be and function like I did before everything went so horribly wrong. I still think of you often on those days. I still weep in silence and speak your name, but it doesn't make my heart ache to where I am paralyzed from it. Then there are still those days where I get so overwhelmed by the pain of knowing that I will never, in my lifetime, see, touch, hug, laugh with you, or share another Moment with you that it shakes me to the core of my being! I want any other Mother or Father out there to hear me on this. It is ok to be a total mess sometimes. To wake up and feel like you've made no progress and that you just want to hide from the world. Do not feel like you are alone in this! The sad fact of all of this is that even if your family and closest friends do not understand why you are the way you are, there are millions of people out there who do! The number is growing daily. I...
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Five Months

Waking up is not always hard but today it wasn't easy or something that I particularly wanted to do. This day, well, this day marked 5 months since we got the dreaded call from a Florida hospital that you were gone. It was the worst night of my life. I had to wrap my head around the fact that you were never going to come back. No more phone calls, no more I love you Mom, not one more fight and not one more I'm sorry for either one of us. It was over forever! Then I had to figure out how to make sense of what just happened enough to call your brothers. Oh my God your two brothers who were like partners in crime with you. How was I to tell them that their brother, their best friend was gone?!?! I had to wait until morning to tell the youngest two, Dalton was at a friend's and Caroline was asleep. How in God's holy name did I tell them? Those were to be the hardest words I ever had to speak. The hardest words my husband ever had to finish. The next few hours were a blur,...
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It's never just another day without you!

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As the days draw near to the year mark of the day that dreaded call came, so many thoughts, memories, feelings, and emotions just keep rolling in. I can't seem to keep my mind on anything else. I keep thinking about our last conversation and playing it over in my head. I knew that I should have called you after I didn't hear back from you. I have so much guilt, yet I know that it wasn't my fault or anyone else's. I'm angry yet sad. I feel alone yet surrounded by my kids, your siblings, and I feel so selfish for feeling so horrible all the time. Yet I can't shake it! I'm drowning in it! When will the nightmare be over? I ask myself that question all the time! I also answer it... NEVER. You are never coming back! I hate waking up to the same reality. The fact that you are never going to be with us again!  NEVER in our lives here on Earth! I love you as much as your brothers and sister! I love them as much as I love you! Living without one of you has been lik...
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