A Mother's Love Story

I missed you today, but that's nothing new. I'll miss you tomorrow and all the next tomorrow's forever...and my yesterday's too. My mind gets so full of memories of you and your brothers and sister too that I can't speak, or eat, or even think. I act differently too. I'm not just your Momma but I'm theirs too. Through all of this I haven't stopped being anyone's Momma. I'm just not the one from before, you know from what happened to you. I play the old tapes over and over again in my head. As if in doing so will stop all of the madness from happening again. But wait, AGAIN! What am I saying? Your gone! That's forever! An ending! None of this can be repeated, resolved, figured out. It's just over. The end...so perpetually permanent. Infinitely finite....our lives a paradox. See, to me you still exist. Your life, the memories, my son number two of five children. All of your funny, beautiful, spectacular big and little things that made yo

http://www.businessinsider.com/maia-szalavitz-unbroken-brain-treating-addiction-as-a-learning-disorder-2016-4

https://abedformyheart.com/let-me-tell-you-who-i-am-now/

Embracing all of my emotions, at first, was an issue.   I realized that I was entitled to whatever feelings happened to appear. You may experience intense anger, guilt, denial, sorrow, and fear, all of which are normal for a bereaved parent. Nothing is off the table, At times, these emotions could come up all at once. Nothing is wrong with me and I wasn't crazy. If the urge to cry comes up, just do it. Give yourself permission to feel. Keeping your emotions bottled up is just way too hard. If you keep your emotions inside, you'll only make yourself feel worse about the saddest thing you have ever experienced. Most likely you'll make yourself insane if you do. It's perfectly natural and even healthy to let yourself feel everything you can about this loss, because this will put you on the path to accepting it. The path to recovery. You won't ever fully be able to get over it, but you'll be able to build the strength to deal with the death of your child. If you don

Being in Limbo is painful but necessary during your pathway to recovery  Journey. All My Love to you, Collins Momma

Waking up is not always hard but today it wasn't easy or something that I particularly wanted to do. This day, well, this day marked 5 months since we got the dreaded call from a Florida hospital that you were gone. It was the worst night of my life. I had to wrap my head around the fact that you were never going to come back. No more phone calls, no more I love you Mom, not one more fight and not one more I'm sorry for either one of us. It was over forever! Then I had to figure out how to make sense of what just happened enough to call your brothers. Oh my God your two brothers who were like partners in crime with you. How was I to tell them that their brother, their best friend was gone?!?! I had to wait until morning to tell the youngest two, Dalton was at a friend's and Caroline was asleep. How in God's holy name did I tell them? Those were to be the hardest words I ever had to speak. The hardest words my husband ever had to finish. The next few hours were a blur,

Just as you begin to imagine that you had a good day you are getting ready for bed and it hits you. Like a truck with no brakes headed for the safety ramp horn blaring and lights flashing. You feel that emptiness all over again and you know that your night is beginning and it will be long and treacherous. Dark and dismal. Full of memories you can't afford to forget and yet some you'd rather not remember. The paradox of your life comes to life. You see his sweet face yet hear the last fight replaying over in your mind. You feel his hug but remember the last time he ran, in fact ran so far and so fast you didn't know that he had gone until he called you from Florida. All of these random thoughts run on and on making me feel as if I am going to lose my mind. Then I gather myself together in my next breath knowing that I still have work to do here. Important work. I have two wonderful kids at home. They can't see me lose it over and over again. Yes, the night comes i

Link to website http://www.recoverysupportservices.net/

When you lose someone, love isn't replaced with grief, grief is added to the love. A piece of your heart breaks off and love becomes painful. At first I kind of wandered through my days with purposeful intent. I had a cause, a reason to fight, and that gave me reason to wake up. Now a few months have gone by and my purpose feels so insignificant in comparison to my pain. I wake up now for my other children and also in the hopes that my soon to be grandchild comes safely into this world. Everytime I think of my son my heart becomes heavy. I feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts and feelings. Everything seems dull and feels less real. At times I can't even breathe. I feel the need to find the pieces of my broken heart and glue them all back together. I know that it's not going to happen but the desire for my pain to dissipate seems to fill every moment in my day. It's not that I don't want to feel. I just don't want this pain. It's excruciating and seem

Guilt..feelings​ of guilt are normal. Unsubstantiated, but normal. I believe all Momma's love from the deepest part of themselves...Way down deep to our souls. We do all we can and are able to do at the moment we are given. My head tells me this every day but my heart just hasn't caught up. Our hearts ache so immensely for our children that we suffer to the degree of punishing ourselves over and over for just being perfectly imperfect. Guilt is a soul sucker...Call upon your Higher Power, mine is God, and ask Him to help you forgive yourself. Forgiveness is key to our recovery process. Hard but imperative. All my love Collins Momma

A mother's true love and passion, for me anyway, was,is and always will be my children. I am a mother of five beautiful children. They are all unique in character and being. Loved long before I ever even met them. I really never understood true unconditional love other than God's love for me, until I met my kids. My Best days ever. Then it all came crashing down... This is a new adventure/journey for me in my mother hood. Last year I lost my dear sweet baby boy Collin Gregory. He was only 22. He hadn't even really begun to live yet. My world as I knew it was ended and a new one forced upon me. It was immediately upon knowing. Knowing that his life was gone, snuffed out, his light no longer shining for all to see. The large, huge, bright Spirit filled manchild that Always tried to put on a smile for the sake of others. The giver of justice and fairness even as a child, was permanently wiped from my world. The world of my other children also changed forever all at once