We are not alone

On most days my thoughts are a giant jumbled mass of yuck! I think you all should know this. I am not all put together. I am not well planned out. I'm a mess on a good day. However, my heart comes from a good place. I want to help. This all started because I didn't want one more mother, father, sister, brother, child, son, daughter....to go through the pain that I am going through. That my children are going through. More importantly, that my son went through. The thought of it haunts me daily.

I have days that I cannot put into words what I want to say so I simply don't. Maybe I should plainly just write that so that those going through that don't feel so alone. I feel alone on most days. In a room full of people, I feel alone. Even when my husband holds my hand, I still feel alone. There is a time When I'm praying that I don't feel quite as alone. Spiritually I feel connected. Comforted. When I'm at my support group, I don't feel as alone. I am among others who feel the same pain, they get me. I get them.

I also isolate and hide, it's safer. No one has to see the pain. I don't have to see the discomfort my pain causes anyone. My family doesn't call and I don't call them. Why? I'm not sure. Am I angry? Sometimes. Does it matter in the larger picture? I guess not.

The cold hard truth is life as I knew it is over. A new one has replaced it. I have no idea what I'm doing I'm just doing it. I'm doing the best I can every day. This blog has served as a way to express myself and maybe help someone who is going through some of the same stuff. Just know you are not alone and yes I DO HAVE BAD HORRIBLE TERRIBLE DAYS! I just don't always write about them because those days don't always make sense to me...some days just won't make sense.  It's ok, for now not to make sense. Just roll through it...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sharing Another Mother's Grief

This poem was written by Aline Lomastro Losing a child Do you want to know what it is like to lose a child? Sit down, let's talk, this could take quite a while. At first you are in shock, and then you are in denial. And pretty soon reality puts your emotions on trial. You lose so much, but the first you lose is your smile. To others you seem okay, but you really are not. The grief that you feel is only the start Because your child now lives only in your heart You treasure each picture that is all you have got You cling to memories that you thought you forgot You know your life will never again be the same. You pretend things are okay, and you hide your pain. You just want someone to mention his name. So you can imagine that he is beside you again. Sometimes you feel like you are going insane You still feel all alone, even when in a crowd. Others can speak of their children of whom they are proud, But to talk about your child, somehow isn't allowed So your
Read more

What I wouldn't do for 5 more minutes....

If someone had told me 2 years ago I be sitting here writing a Blog about the death of my son, I would have probably not believed them. Not that I didn't doubt that there was a possibility that my son will not be here, it would have been more about the blog. In my own abilities to write something that would affect others lives in a positive way. That was what this blog started out to be. To share my experience, strength, hope, and love, so not one more mother or father felt alone in their grief. The loss of a child to addiction is not like any other loss. Not that I'm discounting any other parents loss, don't take me wrong. Any loss, any grief in this way is horrifying. No parent should bury a child. I don't care what age. I don't care what the reason. However, watching your child kill themselves over an extended period of time is excruciating, unnecessary, and something that no one should have to endure. My story is similar to everyone else's and yet unlike e
Read more

Just a little bit

How do you put down in just a few sentences memorializing a life cut short by heroin and addiction? Collin was larger than life. Loved by all who knew him. He stood up for the little guy. Believed in justice for all. Gave all when he had nothing. Loved deeply. Lived like there was no tomorrow. More than anything he was loved beyond measure, beyond this life, into eternity. Heroin and addiction stole everything but the love. There is hope. He would want us all to spread the hope and the love. Collin we will love you for always. This was for Shatterproofs 5k in Kansas City... It's Me © Jacqueline Grieve Published on March 2011 Hey, you guys, don't feel guilty, It was just my time to go. I can see you're all feeling sad, I can see the tears still flow. My life's journey ended early, The path I chose was short. You all tried your best to change it, But in the end it was for me to sort. I know I caused you sadness, I know caused you pain, But I was cap
Read more