I Couldn't Save Him

If I go back to the very beginning, I mean to where it all began for Collin. I'm not sure I could put an actual date and time stamp to it. That would be me trying to tell his story. As much as I'd love to be able to look through his eyes and see the whole picture, I can't do that. It is my painful reminder of the reality of it all. I'll never have the total and full unadulterated story of his life.
Believe me, I went digging for as much information as I could. Plus my boys told me alot when they were growing up and also alot after they did it. The fact of the matter is I can't put all of the pieces together because I don't have all of the pieces. At least from his side. 
I think that is the part that gets me the most. As Collins Momma, not knowing everything is Killing me. I've probably been an intrusive parent, but not to invade their privacy,  only to be there for them. To let them know there's nothing that they can't tell me that will keep me away or stop me from loving them. I'm not so sure Collin believed that. 
He watched his biological father get taken away and walk away so many times that the concept of unconditional love seemed really like a theory to him I think. Even though I proved it to him over and over. He experienced love as an adult but even it was a bit warped. He didn't have great examples to go on so I'm just happy that he got to experience love, no matter what form it was in. 
So, I have to conclude that his using at such a young age began as a numbing agent for the pain he felt from the loss of a parent. In his mind I often wonder if he felt it was his fault. He was alot like me , with his tough exterior and big heart. Was he just torn up inside? No matter how much love I sent out there it would have never been enough. I know because I felt that same loss as a child and spent years trying to flll a hole that just couldn't be filled.
What did I miss? Could I have saved him? I have alot of these questions that will never be answered until I meet my son again...
As parents, no matter what we are told, or by whom, we will ask these questions. Not to torture ourselves. We ask these questions because we were put in charge of These perfect little beings for but a moment in time and when something goes wrong, of course we feel we could have done more. It's not natural to bury your​ child. It's natural to question why we had to! 
I couldn't save my child. I can't save myself the pain of life without him. My hope is that I can help you or anyone else from going through just a portion of what my son and I went through. There is hope. There is help. There can be a tomorrow. Every time I speak out my prayer is that it touches one life. TODAY I pray that it was you.

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