Out of The Darkness
Finding my way out of my head. Out of the darkness and into the light. As, Collins Momma, I spent a lot of time trying to save him. Trying to find a way to make him see the light. Pacing, worrying, praying that he would see the light. I made a whole lot of mistakes along the way. I was not the picture perfect mother. I loved fiercely enough to scare off even my own children. The Momma bear syndrome. I have even walked out in front of moving traffic to protect my children from getting hit. All my kids knew and do still know that I'd take a bullet, trade my life for theirs. None of this mattered...I thought that it would matter.
Finding my way back from the darkest point in my life is proving to be the single most hardest thing I have ever done. Some call me courageous, encouraging, inspiring, an advocate. I'm just trying to survive my storm. To push through the mire and muck. Trying to navigate waters I have never been through without any map, guidance, or tools in my toolbox.
In addition to this unexplored territory, I'm dragging my innocent children with me. Unintentionally of course, but none the less they get to experience first hand the pain of it too. I'm trying to parent and grieve with them, for them, and forge out a path for us all and myself. It's like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. All the while trying to figure out How to survive it all.
Some days I can honestly say are good! I don't cry, I smile, I learn, and I remember fondly of days past. I dream of a future where my loved ones are happy and joyful and have families of their own. Where they prosper and flourish. Those are great days! Then for just a moment my mind will slip. It will go to my child, to Collin and it stops! It steals it all. Right there is where I have to fight....heroin took all of it! Collin didn't take it, addiction and that damn drug did.
So, I'm choosing to fight. I'm fighting for a future! Mine, my kids, their kids, your kids, their kids, all of their futures. Because I want more good days! I want to see better days ahead. I cannot bare seeing more obituaries and hearing daily about people and their babies overdosing and finding myself thinking about my baby. Futures are being destroyed every day! Each week the number is growing!
So I'm asking, what would you do? Close your eyes for a moment. Picture your child lying in front of you, try to wake them. You cannot though because they are gone. Don't open your eyes. You can't. There is nothing you can do. The only thing left is the darkness. You're not blind, your child isn't missing, you're not crazy, this isn't a dream, and you cannot change the outcome. All there is left to do is fight off the darkness or give up or give in....WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Finding my way back from the darkest point in my life is proving to be the single most hardest thing I have ever done. Some call me courageous, encouraging, inspiring, an advocate. I'm just trying to survive my storm. To push through the mire and muck. Trying to navigate waters I have never been through without any map, guidance, or tools in my toolbox.
In addition to this unexplored territory, I'm dragging my innocent children with me. Unintentionally of course, but none the less they get to experience first hand the pain of it too. I'm trying to parent and grieve with them, for them, and forge out a path for us all and myself. It's like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. All the while trying to figure out How to survive it all.
Some days I can honestly say are good! I don't cry, I smile, I learn, and I remember fondly of days past. I dream of a future where my loved ones are happy and joyful and have families of their own. Where they prosper and flourish. Those are great days! Then for just a moment my mind will slip. It will go to my child, to Collin and it stops! It steals it all. Right there is where I have to fight....heroin took all of it! Collin didn't take it, addiction and that damn drug did.
So, I'm choosing to fight. I'm fighting for a future! Mine, my kids, their kids, your kids, their kids, all of their futures. Because I want more good days! I want to see better days ahead. I cannot bare seeing more obituaries and hearing daily about people and their babies overdosing and finding myself thinking about my baby. Futures are being destroyed every day! Each week the number is growing!
So I'm asking, what would you do? Close your eyes for a moment. Picture your child lying in front of you, try to wake them. You cannot though because they are gone. Don't open your eyes. You can't. There is nothing you can do. The only thing left is the darkness. You're not blind, your child isn't missing, you're not crazy, this isn't a dream, and you cannot change the outcome. All there is left to do is fight off the darkness or give up or give in....WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
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