A Mother's Love Story

It's been tough lately. I'm angry, sad, bitter, tough yet weak, just a plethora of things all at the same time. You've been gone 6 months. It is hard not to count the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and even the seconds. Every moment somehow gets consumed with missing you. I look into the eyes of your siblings and see their sorrow. I think of you. I feel the tightening in my chest. I think of you. I feel the anger swelling up inside of me towards so many for all sorts of reasons and I think of you. I get angry with myself and I think of you. I think of her and I think of you. I think of the baby she carries that she won't find out if it's yours or not just to spite me and I know that you would hate it! I get angry and I know what you would do and I can't in your place. It's slowly Killing me. She doesn't care and I think of you. She is going to keep us from him. I think of you and how much Family meant to you. My  mind  goes directly back to you. Wh

Every day that I wake up it's different. I never knew waking up could be such a task. The sunny days seem to be a little easier but then memories will flood in like a tidal wave and flood my mind with days long past, moments not so long ago, and moments that I had dreamt of. Sometimes a smile will sneak upon my lips as if Collin were actually in the room. Those are great moments. Then suddenly a tear will follow, silently falling down my cheek like a little whisper. A fragment of him slipping from me. I hurry to catch it before it falls to the ground. I can't nor do I want to lose not one piece of him. I fight every day to save him, his memory. To honor the good in him. Oh, and there was so much good in him. Before all the addiction and hurt and demons. There was a bright shiny larger than life child who loved! He loved so much and for all the right reasons! I think I miss that the most. The love, the laughter, the excitements in his eyes when he had something new to show or t

Out of the darkness and into the light That is where my soul desires to take flight My heart and my  head not completely in sync Yet my wants and my needs seem to be the same thing I hold on to moments of days gone past Hoping beyond hope my memories will last I want to give promise to those in despair But my own sadness confounds me and words seem so bare. Yet out of my Darkness My deepest despair Despite all the sadness The sorrow and trials Those I seek to help Aide in casting the light. So when my world seems bleak Disparaging infinite and heaped I look for the light from the others in front of me And the my darkest hour doesn't look so deep. So look for the light at the end of the tunnel Even if it seems as if it's just a flash or a glimmer Sometimes that little spark is all it will take to push you ahead A path laid before you by someone with foresight And Blazed a small path so you wouldn't get lost.

To put into words how and when our story BEGAN is a joy for me. I am a Momma to 5 beautiful children. Four boys and one girl. All who had my heart before I ever laid my eyes upon them. Each unique and beautiful in their own way. Each possessing a separate challenge to me as a parent on how to raise them properly so that they would have the best life possible. My second child, my son Collin, was born September 15, 1994 just a little after midnight. He was bright and beautiful and special even in his first moments in this world. He was a sweet boy and played just like all little boys did. He loved baseball, football, skateboarding, fishing, biking​, swimming, track,boxing, hunting, finding snakes, and turtles. He was so wonderful and larger than life. He asked me all the what's and whys. The who's and whens. About Good and evil. God and Jesus.... where everything went wrong , well I have many ideas and theories. My Marital problems, an addict for a biological father, an adopti

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Every year Mother's Day comes and Mother's Day goes. I enjoy my own children as they have, over the years  made me cards, letters, poems, hand prints, and miscellaneous trinkets. All are so precious and priceless to me. They cannot be duplicated or replaced. Even better, these moments are etched in my memory forever. They cannot be stolen, removed, or broken in any way. Even in the tragic loss of my son I am still his Momma and our memories cannot be taken away. I will have them forever. They our mine and immoveable from my life. Now maybe I am so taken by these moments because I don't have my own Mom with me. She was taken from me so young. She was taken before she got to see all the cards, handprints, trinkets, flowers in paper cups, and I Love My Mommy poems. Before milestones like school plays,choir show cases, ball games, proms, graduations, weddings, babies, and so much more. I muddled along, filling the void in my heart left by the absence of my Mother. Recent even

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If I go back to the very beginning, I mean to where it all began for Collin. I'm not sure I could put an actual date and time stamp to it. That would be me trying to tell his story. As much as I'd love to be able to look through his eyes and see the whole picture, I can't do that. It is my painful reminder of the reality of it all. I'll never have the total and full unadulterated story of his life. Believe me, I went digging for as much information as I could. Plus my boys told me alot when they were growing up and also alot after they did it. The fact of the matter is I can't put all of the pieces together because I don't have all of the pieces. At least from his side.  I think that is the part that gets me the most. As Collins Momma, not knowing everything is Killing me. I've probably been an intrusive parent, but not to invade their privacy,  only to be there for them. To let them know there's nothing that they can't tell me that will keep me

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On most days my thoughts are a giant jumbled mass of yuck! I think you all should know this. I am not all put together. I am not well planned out. I'm a mess on a good day. However, my heart comes from a good place. I want to help. This all started because I didn't want one more mother, father, sister, brother, child, son, daughter....to go through the pain that I am going through. That my children are going through. More importantly, that my son went through. The thought of it haunts me daily. I have days that I cannot put into words what I want to say so I simply don't. Maybe I should plainly just write that so that those going through that don't feel so alone. I feel alone on most days. In a room full of people, I feel alone. Even when my husband holds my hand, I still feel alone. There is a time When I'm praying that I don't feel quite as alone. Spiritually I feel connected. Comforted. When I'm at my support group, I don't feel as alone. I am among

Finding my way out of my head. Out of the darkness and into the light. As, Collins Momma, I spent a lot of time trying to save him. Trying to find a way to make him see the light. Pacing, worrying, praying that he would see the light. I made a whole lot of mistakes along the way. I was not the picture perfect mother. I loved fiercely enough to scare off even my own children. The Momma bear syndrome. I have even walked out in front of moving traffic to protect my children from getting hit. All my kids knew and do still know that I'd take a bullet, trade my life for theirs. None of this mattered...I thought that it would matter. Finding my way back from the darkest point in my life is proving to be the single most hardest thing I have ever done. Some call me courageous, encouraging, inspiring, an advocate. I'm just trying to survive my storm. To push through the mire and muck. Trying to navigate waters I have never been through without any map, guidance, or tools in my toolbox.