A Mother's Love Story

So, as I waited for the 7 month mark to pass, I tried to block it out of my mind. It was strange because we had seen a cardinal this past week and I never see them. I'm not usually one for "signs" but somehow I knew that God was letting me know we were all going to be ok.  I thought it had worked. I had gotten past Friday flawlessly or so I had thought and Saturday staying busy with my daughter at her cousins swim party. It wasn't until later that evening that I felt very depressed and withdrawn. Alone. Sunday was not any better. Alone most of the day and feeling the pain of Collin not being was getting to me. The guilt can be excruciating at times for me  Yes, my head tells me that it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. However, as a Mother my heart breaks every moment of every day knowing that I couldn't do anything. That every conversation I play over and over in my head goes back to "why didn't I ask him to pray with me?"

As I was going about my morning and took a moment to reflect, my mind Always turns to a multitude of things. The first thing is my God. He is my constant, my Friend, my comfort, my Everything. Without Him I would be a puddle in a corner somewhere or worse, dead. The second immediate thing I realize is that my son is not here. I don't mean here at my house, or in the state. I mean that he is permanently wiped off this planet. Forever stolen from me. The third thought that comes to play is was he at peace with his God? As a child my beautiful and loving boy asked and spoke of his God as if he knew him personally. Which, by the way, is how it should be. So, as a mom I have to believe that his relationship, although in some turmoil, remained. I struggle with this sometimes. It's a huge deal for me. Anyone who knows me must know by now that my personal experience and journey in life has led me straight to my Heavenly Father. The one thing, the one Father who has loved me without str

I have lived beyond fear. Lived beyond giving a shit. There's nothing more dangerous than someone Living in fear. Fear can make you do unthinkable and unreasonable things. I watched first hand what fear can do to a person and I've also lived it. I believe that fear played a huge role in my son's ultimate death. He didn't get to live long enough to live past the fear into his true strength. To feel the true power of God working in him. He was still so young and so vulnerable to the outside world and all of it's influences. Yes, I know all the stories of how he was so tough and such a scraper. How he wasn't scared of anything! That was just a facade he wore. I was his Momma first and foremost. I saw the pain and heard the fear in his voice. I saw the tears. I got the late night phone calls. Now, only God truly knows what was on Collins heart. As his Momma, I had a good idea, but I couldn't Always see the truth. Being blinded by the love for your child can b

My love for my children has never had any boundaries or limits. Nor has it known strings or conditions. My love for them has smashed down all pity, hate, fear, regrets, lies, dysfunction, and without apology most anything. The one thing my love could not conquer. Could not beat, overcome, or vanquish was my son's addiction and ultimately his death. The Love still remains. My love for Collin will be with me until my last breath and into eternity. He took my love with him wherever he went! Including into his next life, with everlasting Peace and Love. I know that my son would want me to carry on. Some days that seems like a very cruel task. Today was one of those moments, for I have put off procuring all of Collin's remains. See, Collin was cremated. I have been weak and did not have the inner strength to go back to that place again. The place where I saw my baby, my son, lying in a place he should never have been at 22. Some of him I took back to Florida to be scattered at

https://youtu.be/vKH2lMtT36A Sometime in the middle of the night around 2am I get a text from my oldest son saying he can't stop watching this video. He can't stop crying. I don't receive this text until 9 upon Awakening. I ask him what video? What are talking about? Then it hits me that the boys from our local High School must have finished and released the finished product and I just hadn't heard anything from them. My eldest son Cody had been tagged in it on Facebook and seen it before even knowing what it was. Collins fiance also was tagged. I watched it for the first time this morning. Tears streaming down my face with my baby Caroline by my side. It kind of was like reliving that moment all over again. Only this time, I knew I was doing it for a greater purpose. To hopefully save a life and honor my son's life. My poor kids. They are all so devastated still. Just yesterday my two older boys both called and texted me one crying one just telling me how wreck

How do you put down in just a few sentences memorializing a life cut short by heroin and addiction? Collin was larger than life. Loved by all who knew him. He stood up for the little guy. Believed in justice for all. Gave all when he had nothing. Loved deeply. Lived like there was no tomorrow. More than anything he was loved beyond measure, beyond this life, into eternity. Heroin and addiction stole everything but the love. There is hope. He would want us all to spread the hope and the love. Collin we will love you for always. This was for Shatterproofs 5k in Kansas City... It's Me © Jacqueline Grieve Published on March 2011 Hey, you guys, don't feel guilty, It was just my time to go. I can see you're all feeling sad, I can see the tears still flow. My life's journey ended early, The path I chose was short. You all tried your best to change it, But in the end it was for me to sort. I know I caused you sadness, I know caused you pain, But I was cap

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