A Mother's Love Story

Easter has always been an important time in our house. Yes we celebrate the traditional Easter Bunny and baskets full of candy. However, this Easter seems to be harder on me than last. I guess seeing my grandson hold his stuffed bunny and chew on his little rubber bunny bendy sticks brought back so many memories. They are all good of course. One in particular sticks out in my head more than others. Collin was about 4, and we had an Easter egg hunt in the courtyard in the apartments that we lived at. We had, must have been about 50 eggs all over. That boy loved his Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. We put change in with the candy and had so much fun doing it. There was all kinds of candy. But what we didn't know was that the squirrels cracked open the eggs with the peanut butter eggs in them and ate  the Reese's cups. So when the boys, Collin and Cody, found their prizes, all that were left were the wrappers and change. We all laughed so hard are belly's and cheeks hurt. I ca

If someone had told me 2 years ago I be sitting here writing a Blog about the death of my son, I would have probably not believed them. Not that I didn't doubt that there was a possibility that my son will not be here, it would have been more about the blog. In my own abilities to write something that would affect others lives in a positive way. That was what this blog started out to be. To share my experience, strength, hope, and love, so not one more mother or father felt alone in their grief. The loss of a child to addiction is not like any other loss. Not that I'm discounting any other parents loss, don't take me wrong. Any loss, any grief in this way is horrifying. No parent should bury a child. I don't care what age. I don't care what the reason. However, watching your child kill themselves over an extended period of time is excruciating, unnecessary, and something that no one should have to endure. My story is similar to everyone else's and yet unlike e

So I get up every day and try to start out Happy. I mean, I have my health, my 4 other kids, my grandson, another on the way, my marriage hasn't died yet. My faith has not been shattered yet! I mean. Life is good compared to most! I could complain and tell you the million and one things that are wrong, I won't of course. I've done that and it does absolutely nothing for me but make me so angry that I can't breathe. So, I pretend to outsiders that all is well. My big shiny smile, my winning personality, my giving spirit, my laughter and joy and all that I am just come so naturally! Bahahahhah Are you kidding me?!?!? I have to work at that shit! EVERY SINGLE DAY! EVERY SINGLE moment! When no one is looking, I am still crying! I look at my grandson and see my son and I bawl, with bittersweet sweet gratitude and complete LOVE and affection in my Momma grandma heart! Some days all I do is cry! The things I do to get through a day would shock you! But I get through the da

THIS WAS WRITTEN A YEAR AGO TO THE DAY!  Today I have hope! Today I still miss him and cry. Today I still have moments where I stop to catch my breath. However it's not all consuming, everyday, every moment, and I have learned so much 💙 I'm glad that I wrote this down... When lose someone, love isn't replaced with grief, grief is added to the love. A piece of your heart breaks off and love becomes painful. At first I kind of wandered through my days with purposeful intent. I had a cause, a reason to fight, and that gave me reason to wake up. Now a few months have gone by and my purpose feels so insignificant in comparison to my pain. I wake up now for my other children and also in the hopes that my soon to be grandchild comes safely into this world. Everytime I think of my son my heart becomes heavy. I feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts and feelings. Everything seems dull and feels less real. At times I can't even breathe. I feel the need to find the piece

In the 15 months since my beloved son's passing, there has been pain, sorrow, joy, blessings, setbacks, lessons, education, loss of self, gain of new self, loss of friends, addition of new friends, more death, and gifts of many kinds. My life and those around me have changed so dramatically in ways that I cannot begin to describe in words in my simple but well intended blog. I've traveled to ease my heart, soul, and mind. I've moved in and out of grief like a butterfly fluttering on a summer day searching for the right place to land. As if the the wind would carry me to exactly the right place at the right moment. That peace would somehow find me. Searching for that peaceful moment so desperately. Needing it so badly. Broken in so many ways that I didn't expect to get to a place where I would feel true joy in life. That I was beginning to think that my world would never be full of love and light again. When in truth, that love and light had never truly left me at all.

I don't even know where to begin sometimes. I have so much to share, but have a hard time condensing it into something meaningful and helpful for those who share the same burden. Firstly, I want to say that over this past year it truly has been a year of ups and downs for me and my spouse and children. One of profound grief, Discovery, Joys, Sorrows, loss, and learning. Lots and lots of learning! The biggest thing that I have learned is that as any grieving person, not just a parent, you never get over your grief. You find ways to maneuver through it. You move forward, sometimes trudge, go through the motions, but you move forward. We are forced to continue on in life's journey without our child. I have found ways to cope or find peace on my good days and try very hard to incorporate that into my bad days. I have realized and come to terms with, that I am going to have bad days and I allow myself those moments. I try very hard not to live there. After over a year I took on