My Collin's Babies First Easter

Easter has always been an important time in our house. Yes we celebrate the traditional Easter Bunny and baskets full of candy. However, this Easter seems to be harder on me than last. I guess seeing my grandson hold his stuffed bunny and chew on his little rubber bunny bendy sticks brought back so many memories. They are all good of course.
One in particular sticks out in my head more than others. Collin was about 4, and we had an Easter egg hunt in the courtyard in the apartments that we lived at. We had, must have been about 50 eggs all over. That boy loved his Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. We put change in with the candy and had so much fun doing it. There was all kinds of candy. But what we didn't know was that the squirrels cracked open the eggs with the peanut butter eggs in them and ate  the Reese's cups. So when the boys, Collin and Cody, found their prizes, all that were left were the wrappers and change. We all laughed so hard are belly's and cheeks hurt. I can still hear Collins little belly laugh.
Just that one memory brings back so much laughter yet so much pain for me. It's amazing what a memory can do.
They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Today, I don't feel so strong I just feel sad. The one day I know that God's Grace has saved me from myself. The one day I know that someday will bring me to my son. I just feel sad and very weak. I know that I'll have days like these I just don't like them.
I look into the eyes of my grandson and and see so much joy and I have so much gratitude for what God has given me. I received a gift that a lot of moms and dads don't get. A piece of my child that will live on. Yet here I sit. Saddened and feeling very much alone instead of alive and grateful.
I want to feel all of those things, because most days I am full of love and light that I try to share with everyone.
I know that my son would not want me to grieve in the way that I do sometimes. He would want me to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment. That's what he did. He would want me to love to laugh and to just be the goofball that I am.
 He used to tell everyone how tough I was. He would brag on me. He made me feel so special. Any chance he got he told me how much he loved me. Sure we had our fights believe me. Some knock-down drag-out ones. He was just as feisty as I am. But he loved hard! I miss that the most!
Maybe today I'm just angry that
he's not here to love this boy hard and big...
I love hard... I love big... But am I big enough to love this child enough for the both of us? And I am I big enough to love myself enough to get past this pain?
I sure do hope so! I have a purpose. I know that God has great things planned for us... And I need to pull it together! I do not want to stop the plans he has for me. I do not want to stop short hold back Brayden from anything God has in store for him because of my inability to get past the pain. God is bigger than my pain...
Isn't that what Easter is all about?
All My Big Love to you All 💙

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