Collin's Gifts

In the 15 months since my beloved son's passing, there has been pain, sorrow, joy, blessings, setbacks, lessons, education, loss of self, gain of new self, loss of friends, addition of new friends, more death, and gifts of many kinds. My life and those around me have changed so dramatically in ways that I cannot begin to describe in words in my simple but well intended blog.
I've traveled to ease my heart, soul, and mind. I've moved in and out of grief like a butterfly fluttering on a summer day searching for the right place to land. As if the the wind would carry me to exactly the right place at the right moment. That peace would somehow find me. Searching for that peaceful moment so desperately. Needing it so badly. Broken in so many ways that I didn't expect to get to a place where I would feel true joy in life. That I was beginning to think that my world would never be full of love and light again.
When in truth, that love and light had never truly left me at all. What had left was simply the presence of Collin's light. His love and mine for him would always be ever abundant. God's perfect Love will always be infinitely present in my life. This I have always known. My lack of faith in that was what was missing.
In knowledge of this became power for me. The power of the beginning to heal.
I will always grieve the loss of my beautiful son. He was such a pleasure to have near when he was the manchild he was created by God to be. During his active addiction, not so much. However, his light was still in him. I never gave up hope that he would return to his former bright and shining self and grow into the man he dreamt of becoming. The Daddy he wanted to be. The best version of himself.
The night he died, with him so did all my hopes and dreams for him. When the news of his impending child came but two days after his death... I was instantly struck with an inexplicable feeling of joy and overwhelming knowledge that we had been so blessed beyond measure!
I spent months in turmoil. For reasons I cannot really go into here, these were some very trying times, for all involved. However, my Momma heart knew, beyond any doubt, that this child belonged to my heart.
When Brayden Matthew was finally born at the end of July 2017, my heart leapt with such a joy that even I was surprised. I didn't expect to be able to feel such a great deal of emotional outpouring in myself.
I had come to believe that I was no longer able to feel such goodness anymore. Losing my own child had somehow broke me. That was not the case.
Losing Collin had somehow made me a better human being. That one moment in time, well, it had given me the ability to love deeper and fight harder and be more passionate about the world around me. To care about things that truly matter and throw away the past, or at least try to. To view others in a new light.
Collin had given us all a gift. Not just in Brayden but with his life. His ability to love and see the good in anything and anyone. True unconditional love. Beauty in the mess and chaos.
Collin loved me when I didn't. He loved those who couldn't Love themselves. Even in his darkest moments he helped others.
I miss him and I always will.
He left me with treasures that are priceless.
He left me with a grandson who is such a joy that I cannot even make sense of it but the grateful heart and soul that I have won't let me ever forget about the gifts my son gave to me in life or in death.
Miss him more every day.
Love him more than myself.
Will share his life and light forever.

Love you to the moon and back
More than all the stars in the sky
More than the warmest of sunshine on my face
Into my eternity
Love you,
Momma 💙

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