A Mother's Love Story

So you wake up and it is just like every other day for about 3 seconds! Then it hits you... he's been gone exactly 11 months TODAY! That phone call came 334 days ago, it forever changes our lives. Leaving a crack in my soul! Caused damage to my family that cannot be undone. Put images in my mind that I can't shake. I do the very best that I can to move forward, to bring more love to our world than hate or ugliness. As of late I've felt overwhelmed by all of the ugly. It's as if my heart and soul are crying out that they have had enough. I look at all of my kids and wonder what they are thinking, I mean REALLY thinking! I know that they don't tell me their all...they protect me as much as I protect them. I see pain in their eyes alot when they look at me. That's not what I have ever wanted for them. That one event, that one moment in time, has changed us all. Some good changes. There's a new baby. Yes, my son died not knowing that he was going to be a daddy

I don't think I can ever say goodbye to you Collin Gregory! Certainly I have good days, ones where I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Then there are days where I wake up in a sweat. Thinking of things I shouldn't. Angry at total strangers. Wanting to help in a time of crisis and not knowing where to begin. I watch as your best friends your brothers and sister and Brit, they struggle to have lives! I can't fix it for any of them! I see your son and I see you in him! I want to see him every day but I can't...distance in miles just doesn't allow it! I get angry about that! Why did you have to move so far away! Then I answer my own question and I'm not angry anymore....it comes and goes in waves. Your brother is having a baby of his own... He Misses you! Our family is growing and I can't tell you but in my dreams! I talk to you every day....do you hear me I wonder? I only blinked Collin, that's all I did! That's all it took and you went from my

I wake up every morning... that statement in and of itself sometimes just isn't fair! I would have and still would trade places with my son on a dime! He deserved a life. One full of promise and love! Joy and happiness! Goodness his son is so beautiful and sweet! Just perfectly made in every way and my son doesn't get to experience one single solitary moment of Brayden's life or his light! Now, I've been doing so well! Trying hard to find the blessings in each day! Not to wallow in my grief, but instead help those around me. Get involved in things, be less selfish! Generally, it works! I feel better. I'm not so depressed or sad. I don't have that overwhelming desire to be with my son but to stay with my other children who need me just as much if not more now. Then, for no reason at all I woke up today just filled with sadness. I have love and words for a child that I have no place to put them but here. I mean really! I just felt overwhelmed by the need to t