A Mother's Love Story

THIS WAS WRITTEN A YEAR AGO TO THE DAY!  Today I have hope! Today I still miss him and cry. Today I still have moments where I stop to catch my breath. However it's not all consuming, everyday, every moment, and I have learned so much 💙 I'm glad that I wrote this down... When lose someone, love isn't replaced with grief, grief is added to the love. A piece of your heart breaks off and love becomes painful. At first I kind of wandered through my days with purposeful intent. I had a cause, a reason to fight, and that gave me reason to wake up. Now a few months have gone by and my purpose feels so insignificant in comparison to my pain. I wake up now for my other children and also in the hopes that my soon to be grandchild comes safely into this world. Everytime I think of my son my heart becomes heavy. I feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts and feelings. Everything seems dull and feels less real. At times I can't even breathe. I feel the need to find the piece

In the 15 months since my beloved son's passing, there has been pain, sorrow, joy, blessings, setbacks, lessons, education, loss of self, gain of new self, loss of friends, addition of new friends, more death, and gifts of many kinds. My life and those around me have changed so dramatically in ways that I cannot begin to describe in words in my simple but well intended blog. I've traveled to ease my heart, soul, and mind. I've moved in and out of grief like a butterfly fluttering on a summer day searching for the right place to land. As if the the wind would carry me to exactly the right place at the right moment. That peace would somehow find me. Searching for that peaceful moment so desperately. Needing it so badly. Broken in so many ways that I didn't expect to get to a place where I would feel true joy in life. That I was beginning to think that my world would never be full of love and light again. When in truth, that love and light had never truly left me at all.